Here's a great tip:
Enter your email address and we'll send you our weekly magazine by email with fresh, exciting and thoughtful content that will enrich your inbox and your life, week after week. And it's free.
Oh, and don't forget to like our facebook page too!
Contact Us

May I Shake the Lady’s Hand?

May I Shake the Lady’s Hand?

 Email

Those of us of а certain, unspecified age may recall what our mothers taught us. We were to offer our seats to ladies and the elderly on streetcars. Gentlemen were to tip their hats, and to remove them in elevators. We were to hold doors for ladies, the elderly and the infirm. And we were taught to shake hands. Be brief. Don't pump. Grasp the hand, but do not crush it. And not like a dead fish.

When one gentleman met another, regardless of whether they knew each other, they were to shake hands. We were taught that a gentleman did not shake hands with a lady, unless she extended her hand first.

And then we learned that these rules did not apply in the world of traditional Jewry.

People of the opposite gender do not even touch each otherThe practice of the traditional Jew is different. The rule is that people of the opposite gender do not even touch each other, let alone shake hands, unless they are husband and wife, siblings, or children with parents and grandparents.

What is the rationale for the Jewish prohibition on men and women touching, let alone shaking hands?

The prohibition of touching (in Hebrew negiah) goes back to the Book of Leviticus (18:6 and 18:19) and was developed further in the Talmud. A person who observes this prohibition is often called a shomer negiаh. It applied not only to close contact such as hugging and kissing, but also to shaking hands or patting on the back. The practice is generally followed by traditionally observant Jews, both men and women, including Hassidic Jews, and those who are referred to as Haredim. It is also observed within the Modern Orthodox community depending on how traditional the person is.

The Question is: Why?

To remove any myths, it can be said emphatically that it has nothing to do with impurity, or with the social or religious status of people who encounter other people.

The reason is a rather complex, even Freudian rationale. It is felt that touching a person of the opposite gender is essentially a sexual act, or at least the precursor of a sexual act. While it is true that most handshakes between men and women do not lead to sexual relations and are not even contemplated, sexual relations always begin with touching. It is also true that a handshake does communicate feelings albeit on a superficial level.

It has been recognized however, that there are many instances in which men and women can and perhaps even should, touch each other. This would apply to saving a person who is facing a life-threatening danger. Members of the health professions may obviously touch members of the opposite gender in the practice of their discipline, as may hairdressers or physical therapists as a necessary component in the practice of theirs.

The issue that seems to have caused the most discussion is whether there is an exception to the prohibition in a business situation. Some commentators take the position that where shaking hands is in a business context, and is clearly a non-affectionate contact, it is permissible under Jewish law (Наlасhаh). The Office of Career Services at Yeshiva University, which is considered Modern Orthodox, takes this position as part of the interview process for its students applying for jobs after graduation. Haredim and Hassidic commentators do not agree.

Traditional Judaism regards touching as a highly sensual actSome commentators would allow the handshake only when one person offers their hand. Here the rationale is that to refuse to reciprocate would embarrass that person which would be wrong. Rabbi Harvey Belovski of Golders Green Synagogue in London describes this position as being that of a respected minority, but not that of the majority of halachic experts. People who describe themselves as shоmеr negiah would not shake hands even in a business context. In their view, in our society where people are trained to appreciate cultural and religious differences, a short explanation would prevent anyone from feeling embarrassed.

Traditional Judaism, unlike some other faiths, regards touching as a highly sensual act. It takes the view that it is not only an important part of marital relations, but one that is only permitted in those relations. To shake hands as a casual courtesy and nothing more is the first step leading to the desensitization of sensuality between husband and wife.

Rabbi Baruch Emmanuel Erdstein of Safed, who holds a degree in anthropology from the University of Michigan, states that "the casual touching of members of the opposite gender can only dull our sensitivity to the sexual power of touch."

А Further Thought

Quite apart from the sexual analysis of some commentators, some commentators point out that an individual's body is personal, and at times to even touch is an intrusion into one's personal dignity. According to this approach, a man should not touch a woman, nor a woman touch a man, out of respect for the space of each other as individuals—especially individuals of the opposite gender who should reserve a certain level of privacy with respect to each other.

Even if both parties wish to touch, or shake hands, that act is still going beyond the bounds of what should be respected.

This concept is also evidenced with regards to touching someone (even of the same gender) for whom one has a great deal of respect. For that reason, when the late Rebbe of Chabad was alive, his followers did not shake his hand.

This practice is not unique to Judaism. When a Texas politician put his hand on the shoulder of Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales, who was visiting the USA, it was regarded as a highly improper social faux-pas. It was not because the Prince was the politician's "better," but because it showed a lack of respect for the prince not only as a visitor, but as the visiting representative of another country. A similar incident took place not long ago in Europe when the American president placed his hands on the shoulders of the lady Chancellor of Germany. This was considered disrespectful towards her, both as the representative of another nation and as an individual.

The key is respectTraditional Judaism translates the showing of respect for the personal space of members of the opposite gender into the social practice of not shaking hands. The key is not the shaking of hands. The key is respect. If we once again offered seats to ladies and opened doors for each other, we may have a more sensitive, kinder and respectful society. Far better than shaking hands.

Lorne E. Rozovsky (1943-2013) was a lawyer, author, educator, a health management consultant and an inquisitive Jew.

The author wishes to thank Rabbi Mendel Samuels of Chabad of the Valley, Simsbury, Conn., and Rabbi Dovid Zаklikowski of Chabad.org, for their assistance.
© Copyright, all rights reserved. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further, provided that you comply with Chabad.org's copyright policy.
 Email
Join the Discussion
Sort By:
48 Comments
1000 characters remaining
Rochel Chein for chabad.org April 27, 2017

Jjrose, I agree that respect is important. As a woman, when I greet a man, I hope that my attitude shows respect and consideration, and that he understands that while I am not shaking his hand for religious reasons, I still respect him. Ideally, when a man declines to shake a woman's hand, his respect for her will be clear. Reply

Jjrose Centennial March 18, 2017

The point is that women and men are equal. A hand shake is a a respectful gesture - not about sex. If you men were to reach out to shake another man's hand and experience rejection - how would you feel? Perhaps a little disrespected. And yes, George I am not a man. That doesn't mean I should be treated any different. Reply

George Murrieta, Ca March 14, 2017

Jjrose

You stated that you "deserve and demand the same respect as a man" yet you're not a man. You're a woman. Thank G-d for that. Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org March 10, 2017

A man who honors his religious convictions and greets a woman without shaking her hand, or a woman who greets a man without shaking his hand, are showing respect: respect for another's personal space, for another's privacy, for their own spouse and the sanctity of their own marriage. I encourage you to engage in dialogue with the rabbi. I am sure that you will find him to be most respectful of you as a person and as a woman. Reply

Jjrose Centennial March 8, 2017

I am a single mom who is raising my two children (one is a male) without the help of a man. I am in the construction industry and work with only men and I support my family. I hold doors open for whoever is coming behind me, help the elderly anytime I can, take out the trash, fix things around the house, and make my kids feel safe. I took my children to Hebrew school recently for the first time. When I met the rabbi, I was highly offended by his refusal to shake my hand. I deserve and demand the same respect as a man. The fact that I am a female does not authorize anyone to sexualize me upon touching me. Rather, the man who thinks that way needs to reevaluate respect for others. It is 2017. Also, this doesn't even address gay men. I love my religion and Jewish people. This is just one tradition that I won't tolerate. Reply

Tony Moss England April 26, 2017
in response to Jjrose:

Hi,
I am a male charity worker and was searching for why a Jewish lady client refused to give her first name, preferring Mrs.
So, I obviously do not recognise the niceties of Judaism (even though my Grandfather was Jewish).
I do, however, like and applaud your attitude to your position in life - be strong in who you are. Reply

George Murrieta, Ca December 28, 2016

I attended a community lighting of a public Hanukiah. The Rabbi from the local Chabad synagogue was present. As he turned towards me I extended my arm and we shook hands. My wife did the same but the Rabbi jolted back but kindly and humorously responded, "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands but I also don't bite!" I felt bad for my wife and wanted to say something but she took it in stride and laughed it off. She's a better person than I am I guess. Reply

ShiksaforSure Los Angeles May 3, 2016

As I see it, the goal is to remove any notion or opportunity of inappropriate, non-committed contact. If a man or woman finds the other party attractive, every touch can be a meaningful event, or furtherance of interest. To keep everyone on the straight and narrow path... no touching. A woman's mere presence can ruin a man's concentration. So it stands to reason. It's highly practical. Although really hard to get used to not shaking hands. And I have seen very culturally insensitive Jews, who forget that a very small portion of the population has any idea of their laws, react strongly and create an awkward scene. Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org January 14, 2016

Jewish law does not restrict touch between those of the same gender, and certainly not between close family members such as parents and children. It sounds like there must be other reasons involved. Reply

Anonymous Santa Clarita, CA January 10, 2016

I and my adult children (one male, one female) recently were at a family gathering with my adult niece, who follows Orthodox Judaism, although she grew up in a highly reform Judaism household. She felt obviously uncomfortable with me hugging her, and would not allow my son (her first cousin) to do the same. There was no explanation from her, only her backing away, or making no attempt to reciprocate the gesture. I understand the gender laws regarding this when it comes to a woman hugging men, but why does this apply to family members, and especially to a family member who is also a woman? Apparently, my niece does not allow even her own parents to embrace her! Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org December 1, 2015

I've found that a smile and a few warm words work well. "Sorry, I don't shake hands for religious reasons. So nice to meet you!" Reply

Sharon November 5, 2015

In a professional setting, what would be the most appropriate replacement to a handshake from a woman to an male? Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org July 29, 2015

It is precisely because the halacha recognizes the power of a strong relationship, and the role that loving touch plays, that we are instructed to reserve such touch for our spouse. Reply

Anonymous July 26, 2015

The idea that "the casual touching of members of the opposite gender can only dull our sensitivity to the sexual power of touch" suggests to me that the progenitors on this philosophy had never experienced a true loving relationship: one in which the sensual power of touch can never be diminished. Reply

Rochel Chein for chabad.org May 31, 2015

Dear anonymous, so sorry to hear of your experience. Politeness and consideration are important, and I find when one declines to shake hands in a respectful manner, it is usually taken well. Reply

Anonymous May 14, 2015

I was in this situation in a purely business context, I offered my hand to a rabbi and he practically recoiled and then gave his "brief explanation". This has soured me against him completely. It was embarrassing and totally rude. This also took place in front of my male colleagues! I was disgusted! What a shoddy practice when you can no longer do business with men only in this day and age. He was quite happy to take the money though! Reply

James UK November 13, 2014

I have read the above and understand where the views are derived from, although I think the damage done if you adhere to them in a Western business meeting is greater than you can often understand. I was wondering however. As the reasoning seems to be with the aspect of touching hands being a pre-cursor to sexual contact, is it OK to shake hands with a man that you know to be gay? If so why is it OK in that context when the basis behind it is to do with sexual relations? Reply

Michelle Northern Ireland July 3, 2014

I have to agree with Dan. Not everyone knows about such customs and especially in a community like mine where there is a decline in the Jewish culture. We have a new Rabbi and I hope he will work with non Jews in the community to teach them some aspects of the Jewish culture and inform them of some customs particularly those which impact on business and social life. Reply

Dan New York June 30, 2014

While sensitive to cultural differences, it is still an initial affront to have my friendly gesture refused without explanation or apology. A simple "I'm sorry, but I don't shake hands" would be enough, yet I do not get even this courtesy in most instances. Wise up, being shomer negiah does not mean you have to also be rude. Reply

Dave Israel December 18, 2013

While I'm not shomer negiya in that I'll shake hands I am against pre-marital sex because it specifically prohibits it in the Torah. Men will claim that it doesn't because men were allowed concubines but a Jewish woman is prohibited in being such. Also in terms of pre-marital sex having sex with a woman in Nida can cut you off from the Jewish people. In the Torah, men could have sex with more than one woman but they would marry them. That is different than today's society where men and women act sexually immorally by sleeping around. There is a prohibition for both men and women against harlotry. In our secular culture, we define Harlotlry as sleeping around but it's not just that. As Jews we are commanded to be holy. Here are some sources which outline the Torah's view on pre-marital sex and prohibit it. I

Leviticus 21:9 "And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the harlot, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire."
Leviticus 21:29 "Profane not thy daughter, to make her a harlot, lest the land fall into harlotry, and the land become full of lewdness."
Jeremiah 3:1 "... saying: If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, may he return unto her again? Will not that land be greatly polluted? But thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; and wouldest thou yet return to Me? saith the LORD."
Jeremiah 21:4 "He shall not defile himself, being a chief man among his people, to profane himself"
Deutronomy 22:20 "But if this thing be true, that the tokens of virginity were not found in the damsel..."
Deutronomy 22: 28 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, that is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;hen the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he hath humbled her; he may not put her away all his days. "
Deutronomy 23:18 "There shall be no harlot of the daughters of Israel nor shall there be a man who acts with sexual immorality among the sons of Israel" Reply