To be intimate means to go into a place that is private, that is sacred, that is set aside. It means one person entering into the private, sacred part of another human being's existence...
17 Comments Posted
Wow! What a wonderful piece you have written. Thank you
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I think this article is so long over due! The problems with our Taharat Mishpachah classes, are that they are soly focused on the laws of Niddah, and not on what is like for people who never lived together- and had limited contact during the courtship, some observing the laws of Shomer Niggah/ to suddenly open their mind/ body to a vertical stranger. To open themselves to be vulnerable and self conscious with their mind, and body! This is pressured enough/ with out dealing with the Sheva Brochot/ that are physically exhausting/ and give very little time for the couple to really get to know one another/ to spend some peaceful time together- relating from an engaged couple to a married one- dealing with this sudden scary closeness....
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I really enjoyed your email. Looking forward to reading more. Thank you. Syd
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I feel this article is right on the Mark. Intimacy should be discussed, and respected. We should not feel ashamed of an act that Hashem gave us as a true gift, of expression of deep love. And both men and women should respect one another inside and outside the bedroon! No one can expect a person to be close to a spouse, if that spouse does not respect them in daily life, and then expect them to want to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who treats them as property! This applies to both men and women.
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Dear Rabbi Friedman,
Why has it taken so long for one to learn about the beauty of life? It isn't a dirty little secret nor is it profane. It is beautiful and holy. It is what marriage really should be. If the media understood this approach and presented it appropriately, I think that life would become a whole lot healthier and, hopefully, safer.
Thank you for enlightening your participating audience.
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I do understand that intimacy is sacred. However, if one remains silent on it, how do new people know how to be intimate?
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What about the giving, the knowledge that what one is giving of oneself to the beloved, the sharing of oneself to another only to that special person, who is unique. That, to me, is what is so special and is what love, which you have not mentioned, is all about
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I liked this artical, it defines of what people take for granted. And don't exactally feel that we all as individals go through channels of sexuality. As children we are always thrown little bits of information about are bodies that are not true from our parents. And as adults, we do not have the right concept and don't know how sexaulity effects us until it's to late...
We wouldn't have all the diseases that are going around, like AIDS and other transmittable stuff. With alot of the true meaning and education that we can present our next generation of children, We can all change the way people feel and how they all interact with one another.
It is something that is Sacred and alot of people abuse it, over and over again, until you wake up and realize that, what is the true meaning of love and intimacy. As we come to find that special mate, people don't realize that they wanted to see all the fish in the sea and become unable to have children as people age..
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I think that if you can be intimate with a person in a non-physical way, if you can feel comfortable and totally yourself, and speak about your dreams, wishes, fears, then it will translate into the marriage as well.
I too felt like you did, until I worked through my issues from childhood. And though I'm not married yet, I do not anymore, thank G-d, carry the fear and intimidation put into me through growing up in an abusive home, where there was more of a battleground than a marriage.
Try to help yourself become a better and more aware person through studying books like those by Miriam Adahan and A.J. Twerski, M.D.'s. I think you'll understand what I mean, once you do.
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It's all well and good to keep things behind closed doors, and not to speak of them, when everything is going well.
What happens when my spouse's libido takes a nose dive. What happens when one of us can't "perform." What happens when our needs are so out of tune that confllict results.
We need to have a little more information out there. If it doesn't come from Jewish sources, then it will come from non-Jewish ones. When sex is "not to be talked about," then ignorance abounds.
The number one subject of marital conflict is money; number two is sex. A little more information and opennes is in order.
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Thank you for such a truthful article as I do believe G-d made sexuality to be sacred and only to be shared in the sanctity of marriage.
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I agree with most of what you are saying. I have met many people who have bought into the worldly view of sex, have had numerous partners and have led a promiscuous lifestyle. I know that they long for love but after having "sown their wild oats" when they do meet upon someone they really love they are unable to be functional or loyal. They have missed out on something precious. "Getting around" does not "get it out of one's system;" it "puts it into one's system.
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This has hit so clearly what my partner and I spoke about recently. Intimacy....an undefinable closeness. It happens behind closed doors, but not neccessarily. It is when our fingers interlink, when he brushes away a lock of hair or picks me up off my feet because the broth was too delicious. We confirm our love with the sacred act of sexuality, but also just as sacred are gestures of intimacy shared only with each other.
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I disagree with this article in many ways. First of all - the best way to understand how to feel sexual joy and happiness is to have a good look at nature and the plant and animal kingdom. They do not feel ashamed of their sexual nature or have to hide their feelings or naked bodies and they do not carry around the idea that what they are doing has to be considered so extremely "SACRED", otherwise how on earth would they be able to be so completely in touch with their natural primal instincts combined with the pleasurable act of sex? Sexuality tends to be as varied in the plant and animal kingdom as it seems to be in the human world in many ways. The bottom line of sexuality is not just the aim of total pleasure but it is also for survival and to produce offspring. Some humans seem to have forgotten this where as the plant and animal kingdom have not.
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Dear Rivkah,
To take the view that one should look at the animal planet and then emulate it is flawed. The soul of an animal is just that...an animal soul. While we as humans possess an animal soul and a spiritual soul. The animals do not know the difference between sacred and the mundane. The animals cannot sanctify G-d's name. The animals cannot observe the 613 mitzvot.
Secondly, if we are to emulate anything or anyone it should be G-d. In his temple he veiled his Holy of Holies. This place was G-d's intimacy...his sacredness. Did he have to veil it? No, but he did because we would have become too comfortable with G-d's intimacy if it was so easily attainable.
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Who are you to judge that animals dont have a spiritual soul or that they dont know the difference between sacred and mundane? Animals are on a much higher spiritual realm than what we humans will ever be. They were not given 613 Mitzvot to observe becouse they are not sinners and destroyers like humans are. Animals dont destroy their environmnt or kill unecessarily like humans do. Sounds like you do not have much regard or respect for animals and nature, which really shows that you do not have much regard or respect for God either.
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And who are you to judge me and my respect for Hashem? There is no reason to get defensive. I was merely pointing out that looking at the Bible, we have been created differently and should take after Hashem, and animals do not have the capacity or ability to observe. Adam was given charge over the animal kingdom. In the creation story everything Hashem created became more complex and more detailed as he created it, leading up to humans.
Also, if animals are not sinners then why are some animals clean and some animals unclean? Why are some animals blessed and others not blessed?
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