 | Had Isaac and Rebecca met in the modern age, their courtship might have looked something like this. Isaac would notice Rebecca at the well...
33 Comments Posted
My comment has to do with knowing when one is ready for marriage and a family. What type of mental maturity does it require? It seems, as you say, that today we live in a world of instant gratification. So I know it's important to love one another but what if somebody doesn't feel or experience true love?
Curious.
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When my brother went for his first plane ride he asked my father how he would know that the plane had lifted off. My father's response: you will feel it under your seat. . .
The same applies here. When you feel that you have taken off then you know that it is time for marriage.
There are no pat answers or general guidelines. Those who love you, know you and care for you are best positioned to guide you.
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Hello I am sixteen years old,
I used to think that it was each persons own job to find a mate and nobody else had that job, however I have been talking with my parents about it, and I am now totally convinced that arranged marriage is the best thing for me. After all you parents know you best!
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I enjoyed your matchmaking article. I helped start a matchmaking site and worked as their dating expert/spokesperson for ten years. I left to launch my own online relationship community where your friends and family join you on the site, vouch for you, tell more about you and actually act as your matchmaker. We have a similar belief - that the people who know you and love you are better qualified than any internet dating expert to help you meet someone. I didn't always think this way, but I've seen a lot of what doesn't work in dating at this point--especially online dating--and I know there's a better way.
Research shows that half of all marriages in this country formed as the result of someone playing matchmaker for the couple--generally by making an introduction based on hunches and gut feelings that two people might be right for each other. Almost all of us know someone we would love to see find love, and playing matchmaker can make that happen.
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Are there still arranged marriages, is such still being done? How does some one find out about such.
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I agree completely.
However, one doesn't necessairly need a matchmaker if one remembers that common values, goals and mutual respect are of the utmost importance.
How can two people create a loving family in which to raise children if they don't respect each other?
I am printing this article to give to several unmarried persons I know.
Thank you for explaining the concept so very well.
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There is one major falacy in your article and that is your description of the shadchan. Although I tried to tell the various shadchans I knew my "interests, characters, personalities, and needs" I was consistantly set up with women who were totally unsuited for me. The shadchan who eventually introduced me to my wife told both of us that we were totally unsuited for each other but as she had nothing better for us to do we might as well go out. Also, when one goes out on a shidduch there is much more pressure. Being as my wife and I knew that our meeting was only a "date" we were both able to be more relaxed with each other and found out that we actually were suited for each other.
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We do not get to love G-d until we start following the Mitzvot and studying the Torah, this is the moment when he pours his love over us. The same way I am totally agree that once you get to really know your mate you can truly love him/ her.
Arranged marriages are not different than when you decide with whom. I think what makes the difference is the knowledge that the individuals have of G-d. There will never be true love if you are not living a life of Torah & Mitzvot...
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Jeremiah,
You are ahead of the game when you can recognize and understand that marriage is built on committment and a desire to work out any and all challenges.
Today's media only project infatuation and immediate gratification. And that leads to divorce and unhappiness.
Kudos to you for truly thinking ahead.
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Thank you! But if it were not for my parents I would not be like this. My dad often tells me that life is full of options good ones and bad ones. So I can either have a girl friend now and know that it is not about common goals and life interests but for my own selfish desires. Or I can wait until my parents and I find a right mate for me, who I can spend the rest of my life with. Knowing that the relationship is not based on selfish desires but on common goals and true unselfish love.
Peace,
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Tricia, you make a good point. I did not itend to imply that true love is only possible through a Shidduch. It depends on the couple not the medium that brought them together.
In the essay I was responding to the argument against the Shidduch system because it does not accord the opportunity to love before making a commitment. To that I respond that it is not necessarily possible or even preferable to love on short notice.
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I am sorry that you had a negative experience. It is true that the Shidduch system is only as good as the Shadcahan you use.
I am under the impression that many families are moving away from professional Shadchanim and are relying more and more on their intimate network of family and friends.
It is probably because of experiences such as yours.
To be fair though, many happy Shidduchim have been arranged through Shadchanim.
Yours, in retrospect, is one of them.
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It all sounds very nice and very holy (as do most Chabad pronouncements) , but the consequences have proven that it doesn't work.
We have made it impossible for young people to meet each other in a dignified manner and we are paying the price. Thousands of good people are living lonely lives, unable to make a shidduch.
Shadchanim certainly do play a role, but mixers and informal gatherings also play an important part. Too many shadchanim are only interested in the easy matches, where the girl is rich and gorgeous and the boy is the next Vilna Gaon. They don't need help, as opposed to the unattractive girls whose fathers can't afford tosend the chassan to kollel for three years. The shadchanim simply aren't interested.
To be kind about, the system stinks. And quite frankly, so does this article.
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This narrative is so right on the mark, and so true to life! The way the Shidduch Parsha is today these 2 great people would never have married. Why would Yizhack marry a woman 37 years younger? Why would he take a wife who has an wicked father and brother? And she did not offer riches to him, but the other way around?
Today's materialistic lifestyle would never sanction a shidduch like this!
Why can't we follow our patriarch's and matriarch's fine examples of good character?
While I am not for marrying someone who is 37 years older- a few years difference between a man and woman is ok!
And there should be flexibility of outlook levels, and judge a person by their merits, and not family's lineage. I am not saying to marry into a family of theives- but we are responsible for our own actions. And family members should never interfere unless there is danger in a shidduch, and marriage!
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No doubt there is good, truth and beauty to be taken from the practice and institution that you speak about. However, I am constrained to note that at first bluch the blind following of this or any such institution or practice which is hundreds if not thousands of years old brings out in full force the power of the words inscribed inside the Jefferson Memorial in Wash. D.C.,
"You might as well require a man to wear still the coat he wore as a child as to require civilized society to remain ever under the regimens of our barbarous ancestors."
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Shidduch is a wonderful thing, as it saves embarrassment of starting or ending a relationship, stresses commitment, and is in general a more modest way of doing things. However, let's not be naive - it is not foolproof by any means. My ex-husband was so crazy he hid a lot of stuff from the people who made our shidduch, and despite however many inquiries that were made it was impossible for anyone to know the truth. My life is irreparably damaged as a direct result of his terrible secrets. I would remarry if i could using a shidduch still, but I have learned the hard way that it is all very much up to G-d and we cannot put our faith into shidduch as a system.
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I love this article. Very inspiring and very realistic. Thank You for your insight!
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Does the Shidduch approach then guarantee that love will emerge between people sharing common fundamentals in the beginning? What if they never develop anything in common and have nothing to share?
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The article was very well written and brings up many good points about a difficult subject... marraige. Any relationship takes much time to cultivate and flourish.There is a good reason for arranged partners, and that possibly is the correct way to proceed. My mother in law made sure I met and married her son. We celebrated our 35th anniversary last May!
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To Jeremiah:
Your father is wise. You seem even wiser to have accepted and expounded upon your father's wisdom.
To Anonymous in Hartford:
It is true that Many Shadchanim don't work hard on the difficult matches. On the other hand, many Shadchanim are willing to work on the difficult matches.
That is neither here nor there. The essay was about the modesty and dignity of the system, not about the practice of Shadchanim.
To Anonymous:
We do not perceive our forbearers as barbarians, nor do we follow the Shidduch system blindly. This essay, if anything, highlighted out the good points in the system.
To Anonymous,
I am sorry your spouse concealed information from you. I know how difficult it is to live with this reality and to deal with it every day.
I realize that the Shidduch system is not immunue from this phenomenon. It is a great tragedy.
Bitter experience sadly shows that the phenomenon of concealement occures in all communities. Not only in the Shidduch Community.
Consider, If people can conceal information despite the inquiries we make, how much easier is it when there are no inquiries.
A determined lier can conceal even when living together with a girl friend.
To Anonymous in Pasadena:
The Shidduch System does not ensure that a couple will grow into true love. That is up to the couple and it can happen whether they meet by chance or by arrangement.
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I think that arranged marriage is not right. Arranged marriage is based upon materialistic things like money, and what another person has. A person should be free to marry who ever they choose for love.
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I can't see how any of this is bringing me any closer to anything.
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There's a saying about whoever makes a match, goes to heaven?!
Is this true?
If so, how many matches most one do!
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Dear Rabbi:
I came into this world a virgin it appears that I may leave it in the same manner.
I who was born in 1948 am now sixty years of age, the one's around here try to fix me up with grand mothers and divorced women, if that's my only option then I'll remain as I am single till I die.
When I asked about having children I was told that I had to be insane at my age to even believe that such were possible.
Rabbi maybe they're right I must be crazy to believe that there's any one for me.
I pray to G-d that this finds all therein well and and that you should have a good week.
Shalom, Shalom
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Dear Shmuel,
I have heard this too, but have yet to find a source for it. If anyone out there reading these comments can point me to a source or debunk the myth I would be grateful.
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Dear Joseph,
My advice to you is don't give up. You might not find a child bearing woman at your age but that is not to say you will not find a woman with whom you can enjoy many years of happiness.
I wish you the very best from the bottom of my heart.
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This is a lovely scenario, and I would not dispute the efficacy of a shidduch. However, it doesn't always work out, and sometimes there is even difficulty in obtaining a get. I recently read an article that stated that rabbis in Israel don't consider domestic violence a reason for granting a get, based on the premise that a man has a right to be married. The rabbinical court does not view "regular" violence, -defined as beatings that cannot kill"- as ground for divorce. I guess if the woman is beaten unconscious, on a respirator, with her life expectancy undetermined, the rabbis would grant the divorce. If a man has a right to be married, where then, does the concept Shalom Bayis fit in? It seems to me, that though the woman is to be revered by the husband, that is not necessarily a given, and there is nothing to protect her from his mistreatment.
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I have no children , but have taken care of many in orpanages, hospitals, and foster homes. I believe that G_d has given me many children to love and care for in my past! Yes, I did not bear any children I was not infertile it just was not what G_d had in mind for me. Yes, I am woman that would have had 15 children, but since I was able to handle that many children G_d gave me children that needed so much more love then the normal child! I yearn for children, but I accept my job on Earth and am grateful that I have helped so many in need! I feel good that I was blessed to do G_ds Good Deeds!
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Isaac the Patriarch was not perfect.It is even possible that the blindness which in his old age allowed for the Rebecca and Jacob scheme, was present in maybe a lesser degree in his youth. Could it be that that is why Abraham sent someone else to procure a bride, and with much expensive dowry as well! Could it be that his imperfection was part of the reason for the Akeidah? Clearly he was in thrall to his appetite for Esau's gamey stew! Our Patriarchs are NOT saints! The phrase "Saint Isaac" hurts my ears like a nail on a chalkboard.
All the Rabbinic commentary contorting itself into pretzel logic is unneeded and somewhat self-serving and off-putting.
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I am appalled by the comments I am reading at the end of this article. I was so inspired by this work and feeling so good about my marriage and relationship with my husband that I am constantly cultivating love for him and then I read the comments and am shocked. First of all, Brian from CT, Jewish people don't refer to patriarchs as saints. Only G-d is perfect.
Rachel from Philadelphia, domestic abuse is reason for a get, but unfortunately it is the husband who needs to GIVE the get. So, within halacha, there is room to pressure the man to give a get, but a get cannot be issued without his consent. Of course shalom bayis fits into this picture. During the dating stage, as mentioned, the couple discusses important issues of daily life, to facilitate future shalom bayis.
I am going to re-read the article to re-focus my thoughts on the parsha and its insight.
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I met my husband in a way that is probably frowned upon by most Jewish ideas. There was no shadchan, no arranged marriage. He picked me up in a restaurant in Greenwich Village in NYC. We dated a long time even though my folks didn't like him. Even my friends weren't crazy about him. Everyone thought he was altogether wrong for me. Nevertheless, we were married under a Chuppah about two years later. Everyone told us it wouldn't work. Now, almost 53 years later, we have had 4 children, 11 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. All the friends who were against our marraige have divorced. We have a kosher home,go to shul almost every week, and our life, while not perfect, is one based ona whole lot of love, a warm feeling of trust, and respect for each other and a sense of humor. Who knows? Maybe we had the best Shadchan of all.
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I would venture to say that your Shadchan might have been G-d.
Lucky you.
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An arranged marriage may not turn out, but you don't have be the only one to blame if it goes sour! lol I married a man met at college. He promised me a family told me everything I wanted to hear for 18 years . Sadly,his true focus was drugs. This man had my parents fooled also! A word for an experienced woman, sometimes we see what we want from a person ,but we don't see the whole picture it is best to get expert to help making a desicision that can determine the course of you future! Be open minded and listen to what your friends see in that person you intend to marry! I would be dead today if I didn't open my eyes!! Maybe, I am alive today to save another future victim!
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