The Rebbe's revolutionary view on aging and "retirement," and -- by extension -- on life, work and productivity.
59 Comments Posted
The article "Growing Old" has been very helpful to me. I am "a curious gentile" living in Louisville, Kentucky. I am 60 years of age, and in a few years I will face retirement from my work as a teacher. I very much dread that, because I enjoy teaching. Now I see that there will be a lot more to do when I "retire." For one thing, I will have the luxury of more time to study Scripture, and for another I will be able to volunteer in the community.
Thank you for this marvellous direction, this new lease on life! It is good to have so clearly stated that "old people" have great worth.
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What an enlightening and eye-opening article! If only the millions of elderly zkenim would be able to access such a helpful piece of work from a computer!
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The articles written by the Rebbe are so wise and relevant. As a retired teacher, I am inspired to volunteer my years of experience to teach adults who have never learned to read. As a non-Jew who is learning about the Jewish religion, this is a wonderful site, with clear explanations and wisdom for whatever are our current concerns in life. Thank you!
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When I was a child my Father would play the same record over and over. My Yiddishe MaMa. He missed his mother he had loved dearly. Just as my heart aches for my best friend, my beloved Mother, may my parents rest in peace.
MaMa would tell me story after story. The depression, trolley cars, entertaining soliders at the JCC, dating, how difficult it was to find a job or nice apartment during the war. She would show me photos of how women dressed in the 1920's. Explain how Bubbie made gelfiltafish and everything else from scratch and how hard Bubbie worked along Zadie's side. But when the Sabbath came they raced to shul.
Unfortunately Rebbe the words you have spoken of our society in regard to devaluing the elderly, hold great truth.
Each person has great worth to offer and an abundance of gifts to share.
More often than not, the elderly have the greatest gift of all to share - time. Wiith this time you shall receive life's greatest lessons.
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this is a masterpiece!! very soulfully indited
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Everyday that I open my eyes, I wonder what G-d expects me to accomplish for my family or humanity in general.
I have become weak and tired from a heart condition but that is no excuse according to this most excellent article. So, I pray, I ask G-d what he wants me to do....still no answer. Now, fear enters. I must find out what my "last mission" is and must begin soon. And so, I pray again and think, "Is this my mission?" Have we taken the act of praying as not important, not contributing as G-d wishes?
And so I pray and wait for the answer.
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THE DISPLAYED LITERATURE GIVES WONDERFUL INSIGHT, AND GREAT WISDOM. I am very much so a new convert. Forty three years old and just comming into awareness of who I am and how I view myself. An awakening if you will. I appreciate this web sight. Looking forward to reading much more.
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Thanks for this essay. At 45, I have been starting to feel like everything is already getting worse. I'm not so beautiful as I used to be. I'm not as healthy as I used to be. My memory and energy are not what they used to be...
People tell me, "but you still look young." I know I do. My husband still thinks I'm beautiful and other men still look at me with appreciation (even when they think I don't know). But I do know I won't be attractive in this way forever. And I feel like I'm losing everything good.
So, thank you for reminding me that I'm more than my face and body and hair.
It's hard for a woman who's starting to show signs of age. Even slight signs. But you've reminded me that I'm still worth something.
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If one cannot be as productive as one would wish, and is passing middle age, how can one regain, renew or indeed begin a new beginning that one has never had? I was told recently by a friend who works at a well-known national retirement organization that there are many Jewish woman across the country, many of them never married, who are very unprepared and uneducated financially for retirement - this time period of life.
Does Chabad recognize this and offer any assistance?
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Thank you for the insightful article by The Rebbe.
I am 62 - have had somewhat of a checkered career and do not really feel that I have contributed as much as I could have to society. Commerce was not my favourite so I turned to teaching - where I achieved a fair amount - and more important, felt that I was doing something worthwhile.
I am now training adults and in many cases feel that I am contributing a lot to the betterment of their lives. My health has become "somewhat dicey" but, thank G-d, I am still able to train. My problem now is that I feel that I need to change the direction of my training - and I do not know in which direction to take this. I pray for guidance here - and maybe I was directed to The Rebbes Article. Perhaps getting involved in teaching/training the elderly is a "brainwave" picked up here.
Thank you, Chabad, for your tireless work and guidance. May it lead many people to using their lives with more meaning.
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what a refreshing and reassuring feeling i have after reading the article on aging ...it was wonderful...
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As a society we must accept that there are many jobs which require manual labour- for example cleaners or builders. I can understand that the contribution of older people in feilds where only a storg and learned mind is required but, just as a weakened brain like a mentally handicaped persons who not do for a job as a nuclear scientist or doctor, a weakened body ,as an older one inevitably is, can do a manual job. Could this be an exception to the ideas in your article? As always, thank you Chabad for your tireless work.
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I am almost 81, still looking pretty good as is so important to everybody it seems (in the case of women) and busy contributing to the community. But I must always ask, when I read or hear of a man's notable achievements, about the woman he has at home-- cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc., rearing or having reared the children almost single-handedly, what about her contribution? Her's is devalued by rarely ever being mentioned.
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Although I live in America, I do not believe old people are inferior in any way to middle-aged or younger persons. Now that I am 61, I am more convinced than ever that my most productive and best years are ahead of me. G-d has richly blessed me to live in a community with very loving elderly and disabled people who understand the importance of family and stories and legacy. They inspire me to write about their lives and to tell their sacred stories and my own. We offer a blessing to the younger generation G-d wants to bring through His white and gray headed partners. May their hearts be open to receive it!
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This was a wonderfully inspiring statement. As one whose retirement is looming, and whose purpose in life is being questioned, I find it very helpful to hear these words.
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My life is better and I am happier now than ever, at 81! Nowdays, 80 is called the beginning of the period of old, old age. Modern medicine has come to my rescue a few times, but all in all, it is a very interesting time of life-- really fascinating! I abandoned my stoicism and learned to cry when my youngest child died at age 48, and do feel often the various losses that pile up as the years roll by. So I cry often when reminders of the past pop up, but the tears are brief. I feel gratitude, mostlh. My children have "turned out" to be all-around good citizens, and my grand children, and greats, too! Yes, it is a fine time of life! Not sure what G-d has to do with it, though, as I don't believe in a god that bestows blessings where "he" will, and witholds good capriciously and plays favorites. But, then, that is a deity for you.
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im a 45 year old mother of eight. i have a great frind on my street and her name is mitzie,she is 82 years old and she is like a mother to my always there with her worldly wisdom and advice. what would i do without her.i pray that hashem gives her a very long life.my children and husband love her also. we need the elderly around us to give us courage and strength to deal with lifes hardships after all they have all been through it before and can guide us.......rachel
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Upon reaching this age, I pray that G-d in his infinite mercy, will bless the people in my life who have made reaching this age so worthwhile. Not one of my siblings or my parents lived beyond this age. I pray I have done them proud. I have had the privilege to live my life and the honor to use my memories of them to strive for a spiritual and meaningful existance. Having known them gave me the tenacity to succeed and the ability to remember and be grateful for their lives.To those I share my life with now, I am beholdant beyond expressing. They bring the "joy" to living in these years that replace the nagging arthritis, the lack of youthful energy and the wrinkles that know no boundaries. How fortunate I am that when they need a few "sheckles", when they seek some parental wisdom or a grandparental moment of praise...I am there for them...alway with love and appreciation for the respect they show to me. What can I do with all my spare time now? Pray for them with all my might!
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I read the following "words of wisdom" recently:
1) "If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old!"
2) "Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!"
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What encouraging comments for us people reaching advanced years! I was so down-hearted for so much of the first half of my life, it is gift to have lived long enough to figure out for onesself the purpose of life, and to experience the wonder of children, grand children, and dear lovely greats (with a good mother)-- the latter great grandchildren acquired instantly when a grandson married a young woman with two children!
They all live 275 miles from my city except for one daughter and her husband who have come to my rescue a number of times and I don't know what I would do without them!
Meanwhile, I live alone with my cat, take voice lessons, sing and play the piano at nursing homes, work as a volunteer ombudsman-rep for the State of Michigan for two nursing homes in the area, and teach English as a Second Language in a local literacy program, even though my formal qualifications are as wrinkled and dated by now as I am!
Sincerely,
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not only did you renew my faith and hope tonight, you raised a few smiles which helped me concentrate and read every word right through to the end!
G-d bless you abundantly for the sharing my Friends, love
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Validation of one's existence comes when least expected. I seldom think about my chronological age. When I'm required to enter my birth date on some form or other I'm startled by the numbers. Who is that? Is that talking about me? I work three days a week at a continuing care retirement community. Staff development, infection prevention, & risk management are a few of my responsibilities. I thank G-d that I am a registered nurse whose skills have more than stood the test of time. Someone commented, "you're doing 40 hours of work in 24 hours. Why?" The answer: Because I can. And, few people actually do 40 hours worth of work in a week even though they're paid for 40 hours. No one could keep up with the Rebbe!
I also proofread my Chabad Center newsletter & am the editor for the local Hadassah chapter monthly bulletin. I know - I'm bragging a bit. At 74+ I'd much rather kvetch about having too much to do than not enough!
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Studying and living out Torah go hand in hand. One without the other is of much less, if no value. How to do this is always the question. the answer will come as one contemplates the Torah and G-d. He speaks through Torah to all who have ears to hear and eyes to see.
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There is hope and reason for my being. Up to this time I thought It was genetic but reading the Rabbi on aging, I have many things to look forward to.
Thank you
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Just read of a study that shows that people in their eighties are happy! How true, for me! It would be nice if there were more respect for age in our society-- but that's what I get for coloring my hair with "Just for Men"-- I can open my own doors.
Too, there's the young's utter devotion to diet and exercise-- the lack thereof being the reason you have a bit less spring in your step. Haven't they ever heard of "blaming the victim"? Even though the old muscles beneath may be kept ever so strong, the flesh on top does turn to pudding. But I don't care, because theirs will, too.
Some residents of nursing homes have had a little accident in the brain.... Doesn't mean, necessarily, that they weren't in good shape before.
The eighties are great, with much thanks to modern medicine and the will to keep on trekking!
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The Rebbe's comments have made me realize I'm not fighting or ashamed of getting older. I am starting on yet another stage of lfe that is extremely fulfilling and offers me the opportunity to help my grandchildren and children in so many ways. I believe this is my time to help and offer my suggestions to help them in ways I could no when I was a working mom. In fact, they surpass me in so many things with knowlege and suggestions that they teach me as well.
Together our focus is the family and its continued support to each other and our relationship with G-D.
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There are joys and challenges at every stage in life. Early retirement at age 62 has turned out to be the happiest time of my life. Perhaps that is because wisdom comes with aging, especially the wisdom to slow down and smell the roses. Life is a precious gift, isn't it, which goes by so quickly? Every moment radiates eternity and can be fully embraced, whatever your age. My thanks to all who continue to share and offer encouragement.
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Check out Jewish Care's work around the idea of ageing. It's called Pearls of Wisdom and the campaign aims to raise awareness about the value our elders and the wisdom they have to offer...there's quite a cool film on there as well.
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I believe that you can stay active and young by admitting to yourself when it takes a bit harder to get out of bed. Then forget it, be happy you are alive, don't complain about everything, lighten up on your children. Do what you can and if you are not able to get around go to an old age home and get yourself in order and die. Let the grands and the kids alone. We don't want to be a burden. Tell them you love the hospice or where ever you are and finish out your time. If you have any character, get up go to the movies, go out with friends, get a car service just go to a local restaurant. Just keep going..you are on your own..they owe us nothing..yet they support and worry. Let them live their lives without constantly complaining. Be happy your alive or end it.
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Us older people with more respect, such as they do in the Asian countries. So many of us older people are left very alone. Spouses either dead or gone off with another. Children getting jobs and moving far away. Children marrying spouses who don't want them having anything to do with their parents. Then, when we go to synagogue, so many of the families stay together in cliques, and again, we are alone. I'm happy I finally don't have to work because I'm tired and have too many physical ailments to enable me to commit to getting out of bed and leaving the apartment at a particular time each day, but wish I could have stayed more active helping people. I do what I can when I can, but is this enough? I feel like I should be pushing harder. I don't think any age is too young to retire, particularly when physical health becomes a roadblock. What happens, I wonder, to women in my situation who had been at home wives/moms w no educ. or jobs?
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You're right, old age is very difficult for women who spent their younger years as stay-at-home wives and moms without education or jobs, and now they are disabled by physical ailments. Many suffer silently in poverty as they have no pensions and do not qualify for Social Security benefits.
Teen Jewish girls should be encouraged to make the effort to spend time with elderly Jewish women, offering help with shopping and household chores, and keeping tabs on their condition. Groups such as JASA (Jewish Association for Services to the Aged) should make sure that regular healthy meals are delivered and that there is prompt action if the door is not opened up. The local rabbi should take an interest in ensuring that bills for rent and heating and electricity are paid. Neighbors and families could try to make short pleasant visits on Shabbos and holidays.
There's an adage: "To the foolish, old age is winter. To the wise, old age is harvest time."
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I am 65 - my health is reasonable but I have severe pain. Whenever I apply for a job the same answer is heard: "You are too old!"
I have tried to think of something that I can do from home - on the computer etc. - but have found nothing.
I would appreciate any ideas from anyone - because I agree with the article - and do not think that 65 is too old to be useful.
Thank you again for your inspiring articles!!
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Could you offer to volunteer one day a week in a place where you'd like to work? You could actually volunteer at several places on different days. That way you can get to know the people employed in each place and they can see firsthand what you are able to do. Once they see your initiative and work ethic, perhaps they might change their mind about you. G-d bless you as you go forth.
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Many thanks for your suggestion! I shall indeed try what you said - it's a great idea! - virtually like "Try it and see!"
Thank you again and may G-d bless you and yours. Shalom.
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I visit my 83 year old mom in the Atria at least 2-3 times a week. She has parkinsons and is confined to a wheelchair. So my time is filled with hours at this facility and I watch the residents faces. I see sadness, abandonment, anger, and most of all lonliness. The rare person who smiles is wonderful to behold. It makes me wonder...why...why...are there so many people there who are spending thousands of dollars a month with lots of things to occupy their time, so alone and unhappy. What is wrong with this picture. I befriend many on my way to my moms apartment. They always return a smile and offer small talk. But I think of all these people who lived lives now reaching the end. What were their lives like? I sometime imagine them having children....where are those children....grandchildren. I am there weekdays, weekends, where are their relatives? This is a jewish community, but I don't see Chabad there. Maybe that is why so many are lost.
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There is no room for an elderly parent in today's families. No literal room in today's houses, and no room in the hearts. This is partly in thanks to the field of psychology in the U.S. which has taught us for decades to have a lack of respect, if not to downright despise our parents.
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It seems like psychology did play a part in setting the stage for the elderly lonliness today. But the matter is compounded by the lack of money or too much money. Many women who would have been caretakers years ago, now have jobs and are not home. Too much money on the other hand sometimes leads to selfish behavior in the children of the elderly because they would rather be on vacation etc, etc, than be taking care of a person who took care of them when they were young. And then there are the group of elderly who were selfish and didn't really want their own children around but were "stuck" taking care of them and resented it when they wanted to be free.Many of those parents/or children moved away and no longer see each other daily. So in any event, the problem is wide and has many reasons. But the over riding result in our society in every age group is lonliness,and depression due to a lack of
G-d in their lives. And for many its just too late.
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I rather doubt that selfishness plays even a small part in the neglect and lack of respect of the aged. Consider that women today-- daughters and daughter-in-laws-- are still the chief care-takers of elderly parents, and this, often, while still employed at an outside job, or the most important: getting old themselves. Imagine a 60-70 year old caring for an elderly parent at home, and the parent is in the early stages of dementia.
In other cases it is physically impossible to care for a veritable invalid. (Sons hire care of the parent if they can afford it or can't manage to get the taxpayer, the State, to do it.)
People are now living to really advanced ages, too. At a local nursing home here, there is a "100-year-old's club! There are at least five members at all times. There are residents whose own children are all dead.
Complex factors. No space here to speak of societal characteristics and customs, such as the wise "invisible" elderly in some countries.
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Both my sons can't afford to care for me, and have their own problems in their lives. My health is such I can't work. My mental/emotional health is such that I don't have patience to deal with various personalities in the rest homes, although I do sometimes go and volunteer for an hour or two. Now, my health care costs are higher than my rent, and the two together are higher than what I make each month. One or the other will need to go. What are some suggestions? By the way, even if I tried to get a job, without references, the chances are nill to none.
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My sample is not large and I met only the middle, or working, class. There are various living arrangements, but I observed first hand in Japan the year I worked there, that the elderly parents are pretty "invisible." They may live in the downstairs flat, with the son and his family occuping the upper flat, for example, or the elderly parent has a room in the son or daughter's house or apartment.You get to meet the elderly parents once, and seldom, if ever, see them again.
I didn't conduct any poll there, but the suicide rate of people over 65 in either country would give some idea of the level of satisfaction of the elderly with these arrangements. There are nursing homes. but my impression, some years ago, was that they were for the elderly sick.
Women in Japan are increasingy holding jobs and are not available to care for an elderly parent, or in-law. Many are happy to have the valuable resident grandmother do cooking, housework, and care of the children. Never in the U. S
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Today in the New York TImes, a panel of educated and responsible people addressed the desire of society to force older workers out of positions because of the greater "energy" the younger worker could offer to economic life. I read the Rabbi's words, and was comforted the being 60 was a gift, not a moment in an inevitable and accelerating decline.
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Your post above (June 5 2011) refers.
Here, in Johannesburg, South Africa, we have a very strong Jewish welfare organisation (The Chevra Kadisha) who, with the help of the community, look after the elderly etc. The rest home has approx. 2000 people in it and those who genuinely cannot afford to pay the monthly amount are kept at no charge. Obviously, the community contributes most of the money required to keep the home going. I hear what you say about your mental/emotional health and can only suggest that the correct medication from a doctor/psychiatrist will help this. Are there no rest homes that are able to finance your accomodation like the one here in South Africa? Hoping you find a speedy solution.
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I have personally never heard of such a wonderful and gracious mitzvah in America. How about the rest of the people posting? Have you heard about this in your areas? Chevra Kadisha and their rest homes for the Jewish aged?
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Two thousand residents? Off topic, perhaps, but sounds like an institution. Only some questions of many. Is it divided into smaller units, for example, where residents can eat at small tables with cloth tablecloths and get restaurant-or home-style meals, have food choices, get to know one another, no turn-over of attendants all the time, and there is a posted schedule and a number of activities for residents to choose from each day, etc.? Do the residents have their own furniture from home there with them, and each room looks like like an apartment? Are there gardens and do the residents get outside? It doesn't look like or is run like a hospital? Does each resident have a private room? Do most dementia residents have their own department? Is there free movement by the public in and out of the building? Can pets visit? Is there an advocate for each resident provided by the State (as in the U.S.) in "homes" that receive tax funds for support?
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Re. the South African Chevra Kadisha:
You all sound somewhat amazed at what I said - "Oh ye of little faith!!" Suffice it to say that I am not prone to lying! This wonderful organisation exists and apart from the Old Age Home mentioned (and yes - it is obviously an institution), it has under its' auspices a home for children who are either orphans or who come from traumatic homes (I was the director of this home for a short while), it also manages the Johannesburg Jewish Cemetery, it recently took over a small hotel to house the aged as the home was full, it also has bursaries for worthy Jewish high school graduates who want to go to university (they pay back the fees after graduating and are working) etc. Not everyone has their own room but no rooms are occupied by more than 2 people, 3 very good meals are served per day (and yes, there are cloth tablecloths on the tables!!) - however, I do not think that there is a 5 star menu from which to order from!!
(Continued in the next post)
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The South African Chevra Kadish (continued).
Yes, there are daily and evening activities arranged for those who wish to attend, personal furniture is allowed - but pets are not (can you imagine 500 visitors arriving, each with a pet?), there are lovely gardens and residents are free to enjoy them. Re. an advocate for each resident - I have never heard of this. Last but not least - the home has its own small shul where residents hold the usual daily, shabbat and yomtov services.
I must add that many Jewish housewives do voluntary work at the home on a daily basis and that ongoing charity drives are held e.g. golf days, concerts etc. as the running costs are enormous. I hope that I have given more clarity to some of the work done by the Chevra Kadisha.
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Sounds like a great place! In the U.S. every state has a program where there is an ombudsman who is an advocate for each nursing home resident in an institution that receives federal funds. ("Ombudsman," a Swedish term meant, originally, one between the government and the citizen.) When a problem arises and the home can't seem to settle it, the resident or family appeals to the advocate who is there to support the resident. A situation has to be resolved to the satisfaction of the resident and his or her family. Of course, residents can't have their pets, but their pets can visit. Rather than how many people to a room, I should have asked how many bathrooms to two residents?
From a trained volunteer ombudsman representative,
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more of the type of how can we start such a wonderful movement here in the United States.
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No, there are no advocates/ombudsmen involved. All problems are settled between the person and his family and the board of directors of Sandringham Gardens (the home).
Re. bathrooms: each room has its own bathroom. For those who can afford it, a single person can have a room with a bathroom - for those who can't there are 2 persons per room with a bathroom. I omitted to say that the home has its own hospital ward for residents who require it and a panel of private doctors attend to them. Should a resident require further treatment they are taken to a hospital. Should they have their own medical aid it is paid for - if not, the home will settle the bill from their own funds - as I said above, the expenses are huge and ongoing charity events are held to raise funds. 90% of the Jewish community are "members" of the home and pay an annual membership fee to assist the home as regards funds.
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To answer your question re. how you could start a similar movement in the USA: I would like to suggest that, as a starting point, you contact the Chief Executive Officer of the Chevra Kadisha here in Johannesburg on the following telephone number: +27 11 532 9600. Obviously there would be a lot to discuss etc. but I am sure that he would be able to assist you at the outset. Please get back to me should you require further help.
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Sounds like a wonderful place, and the residents are important to somebody besides the State. I'm sure it must be restricted to Jewish residents, isn't it?
Nobody wants to get old in the United States.
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I am hoping to G-d that people all over the world will read about your mission of mercy to our Jewish population. G-d bless you and yours to have a long life, good health, and prosperity in your endeavors.
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Yes Elaine, it is a great place and the residents are important to their families. And another "Yes" - it is only for Jewish people. I am quite amazed that places like it do not exist in the USA. Is there any particular reason for this? Surely Jews in the USA are as family conscious as we are here in South Africa?
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Please let me put the record straight: it is not only me who (as a member) is involved with the Chevra. I am merely one member of the Jewish community in Johannesburg who feels an obligation to assist with annual membership fees etc. The Chevra Kadisha was established in Johannesburg in 1888 when the gold rush began here and has been the main welfare organisation for Jews in South Africa ever since. I do not want to speculate as to what would happen to many Jewish people/families if it did not exist - and indeed, such organisations should be established in every part of the world where Jews live. G-d bless you all for being such caring people and it would be amazing if, through your efforts, a similar organisation could be established in the USA. In this regard if there is anything that I can do to assist you please don't hesitate - after all, we are only an email away from each other!
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I have sent this question to three Rabbis here in California, asking if we have such an organization or movement in America, and if now, how can we start one? I will let you know what I find out. What a mitzvah it would be if something can happen just because of a group of us chatting online!!!
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Absolutely! It would be wonderful if an organization like the Chevra could be established in the States. I have no doubt that there is a need for it. As they say: "A journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step" - our chats here!! Look forward to hearing what the rabbis say, and as I said before, if there is any way in which I can help please don't hesitate.
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