I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can't just settle on something half good. Where is the woman of my dreams?
26 Comments Posted
This was extraordinarily to the point. Will be using it in teaching seminary girls, with my kids, and with whoever needs tis kind of awakening.
We're talking about all kinds of kids from both sides of the relgious spectrum who get trapped in these bubbles to the unending distress of all who are involved with them - family, friends and shadchanim (matchmakers).
G-d bless you with health and strength to keep writing your articles...
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Rather didactic, I came to expect from this channel a more genuine approach.
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As someone still single in my late 30's, it is a great article. So if all those men out there would like to speak to Ms. Imperfect, here I am. :-)
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Yes, Rabbi Moss, what you write is quite true regarding how we look at others. But it must be said one must be equally yoked with another. If not, then, one drags the other down, like two ox unequal in strength yoked together. One falls and cannot get up. The other then must stand still or fall down also.
The importance of looking for a good mate comes from Isaac's example of finding a mate. One who is frevent in doing well, loyal to her job, treats all without being partial, and has compassion for others. These are all characteristic of G-d. Do we ourselves mimic them as men too as well as women?
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How can one let go of the baggage of past realtionships to be able to move on to find one's Bashert? I have baggage from my divorce, and a broken engagement! How can I let go of the hurts that these relationships has cost me, and my family? How can I trust a man not to hurt me in the same way that both my ex husband, and my former chosson did to me? How can I trust another man when these previous relationships were long term, and not the spir of the moment? How do I learn to be able to trust, care, and love again. All the therapy in the world can't make me, not feel the pain of abandonment, and not make me feel confident that another relationship will not fail too. Any Advice what to do here? Thanks for the wonderful insights that this column provides here...
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But what if GOD wants you to be single?
Don't just take whatever comes along.
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... and what if you are not living in a bubble of your imaginary dream of a perfect woman and you're still alone at age 54? Tempus fugit!
The only explanation I have ever heard that makes sense is a comment made in the intro to the Aishes Chail show. "You can't just go out and find an Aishes Chail you have to deserve her"
Clearly I don't deserve her and may never merit such a relationship, so I try not to think about it too much, and accept my fate cheefully
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Commenting on Avigayil "Great Article" Gisele, "Letting go of the Past?" and Lewis, "older than 30 and single too": did anyone pray earnestly about their particular situation, for I know G-d answers pray. Just ask and wait patiently for the answer.
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I think the rabbi has brought up a good point - by being married to a fantasy we can overlook the mench or menchette in front of us. Websites for Jewish singles, in spite of the wonderful tool they can be for finding like-minded people who live at a distance, inadvertently feed into this fantasy by giving one the options of "buying" all the traits one wants by checking off boxes - it feeds into this mindset of finding the perfect mate being easy.
P.S. Lewis in Tampa - I'm an aishet chail who recently moved to Clearwater...... :-)
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As a woman in her 40's, and still single, I have to disagree with this one dimensional answer to a legitimate question. So many couples are unhappy, it's important to find someone that you believe you can grow with and be friends with . To love and to like! Given the times we live in, and trying to survive, I work a lot of hours. Weekends are usually spent doing chores and visiting with friends. Where and when can I find a mate. Shall I date someone from work (that's a big no no) Shall I go to a night club, or a bar (I will find alcoholics), shall I turn to the personal ads (I will find married men pretending to be single, or people that just lie). What's left? Friends fixing you up. Well, I'll tell you, one bad experiece can ruin a friendship.
I think the fact remains, that as our culture gets married later in life, and woman stay in school for 18+ years, by the time we are ready... there are slim pickens.
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Yes I have prayed about it, yes I have recited certain select tehilim about it, pledged charity in honor of it
On the other hand I must point out that although I believe G-d Always hears and answers sincere prayer sometimes the answer is no and sometimes its yes but not now
G-d heard my prayer and responded positively to my prayer to live I have a roof over my head at least till November and food to eat. I hate to push my luck, I saw Ushpizin and observed the lessons involved in begging for a miracle
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Branasue does have a good point, and it being that most of the men she meets are presently of the world. Knowing that G-d wants a marriage to edify a deeper meaningful relationship between two people presents marriage differently, one everlasting. Secondly, one in which that makes a woman feel and be a woman, and visa versa, complimenting opposites as equals. These two important factors make a difference in who I personally would like to spend the rest of my life with, particularly a friend. For life, one I can depend upon, one that can be truthful and honest, not like the wife JOB had, who told him to go curse God and be done with it, living the here and now, instead of the forever. Thirdly, personally thinking that couple who marry later in life have things more settled in their lives. I personally do. Yes, life continues to persent problems to us all, but feeling the need to meet them differently today then at a younger age makes all the difference too. Hang in there.
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Many good points here. For several years I was involved with a Jewish Singles group here and went to this and that. Nothing ever happened except I spent time doing things that I would not normally do. Eventually I stopped going. Then I "discovered" online singles sites and spent a year filling out forms and bios essay questions, felt like I was back in High school (yuck). I stopped doing that too.
When the time is right G-d will help...
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Thank you for your frank response. How correct you are and what a great reminder to those of us who are heart broken or who are without a love of our own and are hoping to find one. Our expectations are our worst enemies and are premeditated resentments when we look at new love possibilities....
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Not only man have the problem, also woman have the question. I am in begining of 30, and studied Jadisam when I was Israel, therefore I like and interesting the Jewish culture very much. however I did not meet suitable, sigle, kindly, middle age Jewish man .... Where is the man of my dreams?
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Ouch!! I'm 57 and that was quite frank, but needed. Yes, as a woman, I am guilty too. I am starting to realize "this tale" about myself as well. I am not Jewish, but I enjoy your website. I will have to rethink this and forget that I have five (5) brothers that conviced me, by their choices, to stay single until I find the right man or he finds me. (smile) Ok, Geronimo!
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Harsh or not it is the truth. And there is the other factor, the longer we are alone the longer it takes for us to accept another into our lives.... sad but true
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Yes you're right ettah. Having made it to the ripe old age of 54 (at the end of this symphony season I will technically be a Senior citizen GASP) I can accept that at this point in my life it would be a major adjustment for me to accept the woman of my dreams into my life but should hashem introduce me to such a woman I would make every effort to do just that!
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While I can understand the 'to the point' response to that specific question - such an answer can't be termed as applicable to all 'older singles', who may or may not be deemed 'too picky' by others.
I am 29, female, and have dated enough guys to almost say I don't want to go on another date. But I'm smart enough to know that wouldn't be smart. I also know that, although there are plenty who might call me picky - because they don't truly know me even if they think they do - I am not looking for Mr. Perfect. There is no Mr. Perfect. No-one else's husband is Mr. Perfect either. However, I am allowed to want to meet someone that makes ME feel like I have found my other half to my soul. That I have found someone with whom I want to aspire to be 'perfect', and someone who will want to grow more and be a better person with me too. I believe that my other 1/2 will have something - not everything - that will make me want to be with them, not just for a date but forever.
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I agree with the basic concept of the response. However, let'snot kid ouselves. It takes hard work to find the right spouse and many are not willing to do the hard work. If it were so easy the divorce rate would not be 50%. I spent a lifetme trying to find her, and I finally did at the age of 51. In the course of looking, that for which I was looking had changed significantly. I believe I am a better man because of my persitence and openmindedness in the pursuit of my beshert.
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Most of all I do not want my parent's loveless marriage. Having gone through that I am not anxious to go through another
I still believe there is a bashert for me but I also know I am going to be 55 soon so I know this may not happen for me. When you're over 50 other issues compete for your attention, like your health
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I was married to that one that was not the perfect wife.
In a million ways she was not the perfect wife. Not only was she not the perfect wife, but she was not the perfect friend, the perfect confidante, the perfect mother, etc. etc. etc.
When I meet anyone who reminds me of her, I run for the hills. Singledom is far preferable to gehinnom.
But, one must have some idea, what qualities to look for and what are musts, what are needs, what are desires, what are likes and what are preferences.
Personally, if she is not a nurturer, she is dead in the water.
Don't give up, the right one is out there and don't "settle", just because you are getting pressure to marry.
Miss right, will make your heart sing and bring a smile to your face. Miss wrong will make you curse the day that you were born. Both exist, don't kid yourself.
Finally, look for a woman who had a great relationship with her father and avoid like the plague the one who hated her father.
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Remember that marriage was ment to keep you in check. Have children stay in check.You sit at 50% divorce rate. You will not find her in the USA.
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You're a perfectionist, and there are plenty of perfectionistic women out there - you just didn't get lucky finding one!
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Seriously, take this time to build your relationship with G-d, and if G-d's plan includes pairing you with someone, then it will happen. I was the same as you and right now, I am paired with the perfect person for what she needs right now. I may find that later G-d's plan was for me just to be there for her and not that we would unite. So focus on your relationship with G-d and that in turn will reveal the person of your dreams and bring them into your life when you least or don't expect it...that's what happened to me. I wasn't looking ... G-d place this person in my life, I did absolutely nothing other than focus on making every decision in my life as G-d wants me to make. And as a result I've been blessed.
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I am not worthy of anything till I love myself enough to be content with G_d only! Why shoudl he want me to share what I don't have enough of for myself? What does G_d want me to feel when I become whole or maybe once I become whole will I require a mate in order to live a content life? I think I need to focus on what is given now and not worry about a future that may never come! G_d I am in your hands just make me happy now and forever! I just want to be happy alone with G_d first!
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