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A Conversation About Intermarriage
 | My name is Alejandra. I am Argentinian, 24 years old. I was born and raised as a Catholic. About two years ago I met a boy in a bar in Buenos Aires. I later found out that he was Jewish...
57 Comments Posted
I have to say that being a child (who is now an adult with my own children) of intermarriage this article really touched my heart.
Poor Alejandra & Diego, when you are young you don't think you will get past the pain of such a situation. But you do. But being a child in a mixed family, then losing your mother at a young age and being raised by a non-Jewish stepmother & father that is difficult.
My identity did not reveal itself until I was well into my 30's. Then I started returning to Judaism. But it was difficult, I have faced a lot of rejection from both sides. Jews question my Jewishness, and my non-Jewish relatives question my sincerity in changing my religion and refusing to participate with them in theirs.
I hope and pray that my children will live Jewish lives and raise their children to be Jewish. But G-d is good and introduced me to my husband who is a Jew with a similar background. We truly are 'bashert'! We are now building a truly Jewish family with G-d's help.
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Dear Rabbi Shemtov,
I married a once secular (Reform) Jew. I decided to convert to Judaism right after my marriage (I had wanted to convert to Judaism long ago but never took the necessary steps and I assumed that I would be given a very hard time if I was doing it before the marriage and against my husband's will). In order to accomodate my husband who did not even want me to convert, I converted with the conservative movement after three years of study and close observance of halacha alone; meanwhile my husband stayed a secular person. I am going to shul all the time, studying Torah and Hebrew; it is my life. However, I realized that conservative Judaism was not fulfilling; I had the idea to take my husband to Chabad; we loved it so much. My husband became religious. We are shomer shabbat and I am studying for an orthodox conversion with Chabad. Sometimes interfaith marriage (and Chabad!) can reconnect a Jew to his soul and essence instead of pulling him away from it.
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Wow. What an article. Opened my eyes in so many ways. As an American seeing the high intermarriage rates rising, it's enlightening to see such an article explain the properties of these relationships. As a religious Jew, it helps so much to have such simple and outlined explanations of the relationship between Jew to non-Jew.
But one question: Intermarriage is clearly explained. What happans when your friends date non-Jews on the defence that "Hey! Its not like I'm getting married..." Very well may not, but your still dating a non-Jew! Thank you very much for this article!
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Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your comments.
Regarding your question about how to address the perils of dating for fun, I would like to recommend you read this article by Aron Moss:
http://www.chabad.org/248160
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Your articles on intermarriage are really surprising. The assumption that every human being has an essence is metaphysical and comes from a non-Jewish tradition. Essence and accidents of a substance are Aristotelian concepts. A rule or a commandment can be observed by anyone. The correctness of such action is given by the commandment itself. The difference between Jewish and non-Jewish is that a Jewish person follows rules, but rules can be followed by anyone. After a while, such actions become habits, but it is not because such actions are habits that they are right, but because such actions agree with rules. Furthermore, how can be reconciled the very ethical principle that every person is equal before G-d and saying that essence is determined by nationality? If this is the case, there is no real Jew just as there is no real kohen. The fact is that there are true Jews with Asian, European, African or American genes. Thanks for your attention.
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The Hebrew Bible and most Jewish Metaphysical texts were written (and with written commentary as well) long before Aristotle. The concept of soul, or what you call essence is absolutely a scriptural concept.
As for "following rules"--you are right, anyone can follow rules. But the commandments of Judaism are not exactly rules, thought it may look like it. They are many complex actions that link heaven and earth. And, surprise, there are "rules" for non-Jews as well. These are called the Noahide laws. As for Judaism being a nationality, well you are partially right. There is no exact word in English that describes what being a Jew is. There are the Jewish "rules" or "Laws", which make up our way of daily life (much more complex than a religion which is relegated to one day a week) then there is the "condition" of being a Jew, variously described as nation, or people. But it is, back to your beginning, a condition of essence, or soul to be more exact.
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In answer to your questions:
1. According to Jewish teachings, especially as explained in the Kabbalah, not only does every human being have an essence; indeed every existant creature, be it mineral, vegetable, or animal has its own type of soul, with its particular characteristics and nature.
2. The soul of a Jew has its own special nature. Keeping kosher, for example, does not have any relevance to a non Jewish soul and a non Jew accomplishes nothing by eating Kosher.
3. Being equal before G-d does not mean that we are all the same; it means that G-d created us all and we all have a special function to fulfill, determined by the same Creator.
According to the Talmud, a non Jew who fulfills the Seven Noahide Laws has as much reward in the world to come as the High Priest.
Why do you say that an essence cannot be determined by nationality? One becomes part of the Jewish nation either by birth or by true conversion, and thereby inherits that essence.
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Alejandra, Jewish men are like other men, in that they can fall in love and desire; and the heart can then take the lead ahead of the mind.
The Rabbi Shemtov is importantly right here: In Judaism, the mind must maintain the lead over the heart, where as Christianity is more a faith of the heart (and is often interpreted against the Torah).
Primarily because of this, Judaism and Christianity are virtually totally separate covenants.
This, of course, appears heartless to many, but it is G-d's will: Judaism is built around a birthright and doing mitzvahs, for G-d saw the need for a covenant amongst the others that puts the mind first, and thus is also separate from the others, so the world eventually achieves a 'balance' between the two, and is thus 'repaired' (tikkun olam).
G-d is willing to let our hearts be broken for his purpose, but like Hagar at the well, He still sees you, and will guide you to a love that heals, if you will let Him.
Forgive Diego, and go in peace.
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As words have a way of expressing and articulating ideas (see article) so too do they have a way of limiting and perhaps cheapening the praise for something. So all I have to say about this correspondence, "Absolutely magnificent!"
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The really makes concrete why the intermarriage of my sister hurts me so much. I love her dearly, and want the best for her, and there she is, in a spiritual mismatch. And there is so much about her "sort-of" husband that I like...
I also feel that Alejandra has the right to a bit of anger at Diego. If he knows he wants a Jewish family, why did he start with her? Did he want her to go through with a paper conversion (more power on his side of the scale, both that she did it, and after, he would be the expert? Not fair.) But then he has only someone who will fool with paper conversions. Alejandra knows better. She may not know exactly who she is, but I think she is well on the road to knowing herself well enough to be married.
I would like to extend the blessing (bracha) of making a relationship in which both parties grow beyond either of their expectations. She is well in the way, so I think I am just adding a push to the direction she is already heading.
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Alejandra should be aware that the world is not 'Jews, and then everyone else', but rather it is a Jews' responsibility to teach the Seven Noahide Laws to all of mankind. G-d created 'man' in His image, and if mankind follows in the prescription which He has laid out in Torah, mankind as a whole can not only prosper in true harmony, but bring the world to the fulfillment of its ultimate destiny, the Age of the Redemption, with the Righteous Moshiach...
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I think this is a profound dialogue... I read it carefully and although I am in a Jewish relationship now (B'H married next year), I was once in Alejandra's shoes... I think Eliezer is brilliant at bringing his point of views (and that ofJudaism) across.
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Dear Rabbi,
I was just wondering why you did not encourage more research of Judaism by this girl, she obviously had some interest. Maybe too late, with too much heartbreak? Is it possible, she may have been compelled on her own to convert to Judaism whole-heartedly. I realize we can't try to convert people though, but on the other hand, I noted you quietly referred to the option in your first note back to her. But at the first hint of a lack of interest by her, you immediately backed off, and agreed to not consider the possibility that she would convert. Would it have hurt to try to get her to understand more, to have more understanding of the beauty and the truth of Judaism? She kept asking questions.
I found this story personally compelling. I finally converted after over 20 years of marriage to my wife. After so long, do we have regrets for the "lost years"? Not at all, we have a great marriage, wonderful kids, raised with Jewish educations and values. We even re-vowed with our kids holding the chupah. If I had converted prior to being married, way back when I was uh, in my 20's, I am not sure how sincere or how deep my convitions would have been. Even without having any previous faith, it would have been a big leap. Maybe more of a leap than for one with a pre-existing faith? I suppose, either way, a big step to take. This is something that is not done lightly, for sure. Of course, I didn't have such a resource as chabad.org at the time either. If such a resource was available, and if I had applied myself to learning, and if I spent many many hours in research, and finally committing myself to it, I might have been a true convert even way back then. So, I do appreciate your hesitating to really recommend this path. It is not really an easy path, it takes effort and commitment. But how often is the right path easy?
Never the less, I do hope you will encourage prospective mixed couples to research Judaism, in depth, from many angles; to possibly find something that may grab their interest and destiny, that is, the true inspiration to convert to Judaism and be together, rather than simply dissuading them from being involved with each other.
Thanks for listening.
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Thank you so much for this series of e-mails!
The topics discussed were so enlightening and really clarified many confusions...made it all seem more simple.
Thank you again!
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Wow! I am spellbound. The questions that were asked were answered in a clear and meticulous way. A way in which one can understand and comprehend. Thank you for sharing this.
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Thank you R. Eliezer for commenting on this issue. As I read through your wonderfully clear presentation of ideas, feeling light of Torah stream through my computer's screen, feel like crying for saddness for those of us who do not have this knowledge and walk in darkness.
One of the things that Alejandra mentioned, was that Diego defined himself as a "light" Jew. I think this speaks to the root of the problem - which ultimately is lack of self appreciation.
If we appreciated ourselves, and our heritage, we would not run around doing everything but study Torah (and thinking that Aristotle invented the concept of neshama), or dating "lightly", or involving ourselves in relationships where we may have to ask our partner to "convert on paper".
Over this I cry, that we are in possession of finest gems, and yet so many of us don't value them. As it is said: and Esau despised the birthright.
May we all soon realize the value of Torah, and it's light spread over our paths.
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Thank you for sharing this dialogue on the essence of being Jewish, and the conflict that often affects me too... as it regards dating or marrying out of faith.
I married a Jewish woman whose Mother is Jewish, and Father was raised Catholic but not religious. Their offspring for the most part (4 out of 6 children) remained true to their faith. All men (5), except the woman (1) of course that I married.
We later got divorced and with a GET that followed. Our children were & are raised solidly Jewish through the Chabad, and due to my Daughter wishing a Bat Mizvah as my Son had a Bar Mitzvha... we then joined shortly a Reform Temple. That bothered me quite a bit, the see the Torah words changed from "mankind" (which I always assumed to mean all) to "humankind", and their so called "breaking the rules", vs. Conservative "bending them", and Orthodox "adhering to them."
I later realized that the woman I married wasn't really Jewish as in their family they just followed tradition vs. anything of depth. I believe that only after having children does one truly wake up to their faith and the miracle of that!
For me, living in the Berkeley and San Francisco area I find very few physically attractive woman in general, and much fewer Jewish woman that are also at least physically attractive. That coupled with extereme ultra-liberal viewpoints in general, and very feminist society views expressed here makes it very difficult.
So, for me I just need to go back to good ole NYC where both quantity and quality of Jewish woman, plus depth of religion is more abundant. But, that will wait till my children complete high school.
Curious if that helps...
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I found Rabbi Shemtov's article and writing to be top notch, well thought through, concise, kind and intelligent.
But, as a fellow Shliach I must ask. Is it really the right thing to have such a drawn out dialogue with this girl, is it appropriate to mentor a non-Jewish girl with no intention of converting? Is it Tzniyus, the almost daily repoire?It seemed a little too friendly?
Please advise.
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Dear Curious,
Thank you for your comments and concern.
The subject of Intermarriage is one that I have been dealing with for the past 20 years. Oftentimes, when dealing personally, face-to face, with those involved, it is very difficult to coax out their true, deep feelings. The anonymity of e-mails allows one the opportunity to express thoughts and feelings that they might otherwise not dare to.
The few times that I have come across a correspondent that seemed to be able and willing to articulately hash out thoughts and feelings related to this issue that are otherwise difficult to access, I tried to pursue the dialogue as far as possible, in order to help me get a deeper understanding. Sometimes I think that the dialogue produced might interest a wider audience, and I then have it published.
As far as I can tell, no boundaries of Tznius have been breached, and nothing more than cordial interest has been expressed. I wonder why you would perceive it otherwise.
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I am now 65 years old. When I was in college, in my early 20's, I fell in love with a girl that was not Jewish.
I still have very loving thoughts when I think of her and I have never forgotten her. But, there came a time in our serious relationship when I just suddenly "woke up". I suddenly had a realization that seemed to come up from somewhere deep in my soul to scream at me.
I told her, through my tears, that I suddenly knew that I could never have a x-mass tree and she could never do without one. She said she would convert and the words that came out of my mouth were that "I have 5,000 years of history in my DNA that she could never share.". These words were not from my heart and they were not from my mind. They were spontaneous from somewhere else.
I have been married now for almost 40 years to a woman who is Jewish and marraige has been and still is a struggle. We occassionally even call each other names.... but they never include...."damned Jew!".
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Chaim, if you had married the first woman and she had become a 'ger tzedek' (righteous convert) before the birth of your children, then it might have worked out; but otherwise you would have put your kids in a rough spot: Being a man who so obviously has a neshoma to impart to his children (and DNA to back it up), your kids would have picked up yiddishheit from you, but would otherwise be denied for not actually having the birthright; and that hurts: As a kid with a decidedly Jewish last name, you get be called 'damn Jew' by everyone else, while denied by all the other 'damn Jews'. Then to rectify that, the kid(s) get to become 'ger tzedeks' as opposed to the millions of Jews nowadays who have the birthright but are secular and disdain G-d and Torah, and even take positions against Israel prevailing; a real 'drag'.
As one who grew up in that position, I hope both your kids and your wife include 'tov' among the names they call you: You did your kids a favor. You're a good man, Chaim. Brochas to you
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Dear Rabbi,
Curious George is absolutely right, it would be alot more appropriate if the letters would be addressed to/from the rebbetzin....
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Shalom, this article is very sad and mindbugging especially, for us, Jewish people who are living in modern democracies and enjoying equal rights. Needless to remind, that 10% of US senate is Jewish, and when you go to any great institution you will find Jewish people contributed to the greatness and progress. For many years, we struggled and thought for the equality and civil rights, we thought against separation and segregation, our long term goal was to become equal citizens in the Nations we living in.
Assimilation is a natural process which is inevitable in the situation. Another option, will not be that attractive for us (I hope)-- it is living in the ghetto and wearing an identifying sign.
It is clear that Rabbi Shemtov is a genious man. Who presented the arguments and the solution--but with all his inner genius could he think and come up with something better? Could he advise the couple how to consolidate the cultures instead of being "cardinal NO".
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The key phrase is "Diego used to tell me that I was a breath of fresh air, that for him a Jewish girlfriend was oppressive." I believe Diego "loved" Alejandra for what she did for him, not for whom she was.
As for the reader who questioned the appropriateness of Rabbi Eliezer's interchange with Alejandra, I believe this gem of a woman deserved his interest whether or not she was Jewish. I hope Alejandra finds a husband worthy of her and Diego finds a good psychiatrist.
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What a well compssed communication!!
I am dating a German woman whom I met in Australia. We traveled together and I visited her home in Germany soon after. She reently came to the USA for a 3 month visit.
We both love each other.
This dialog opened my eyes to few problems:
Would I be comfortable letting my children be influenced by my new catholic family?
How would my falimy in law view my children?
In Australia, I visited a chabad in Mebounre because I was lonely and had no friends in the city then. There a wonderful charasmatic friend that I met told me that "I can talk to g-d and ask him what ever I want and I can spill my heart and he will listen. Every thing I do for him he will return to me in great rewards. If I give like this ( makeing a small space with his hands) he will give you like this ( spreading his arms )"
That night as I slept in my camper van near the temple I promised g-d I read the parasha every shabat. Now I am more connected than ever to my Faith
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The minute you say that you are Jewish, you imply that you are different than one who is not.
What does that difference entail?
Integration is not the same as assimilation. Being part of the american dream means respecting everyone's identity INCLUDING your own.
By following the dictates of your religion and marrying within the faith, you are not insulting anyone; you are simply respecting yourself.
Pride does not mean discrimination.
If I were to say that a Jew may marry anyone BUT a (fill in the blank...), that would imply discrimination against the exception. It is a very different matter altogether when we say that we marry no one except our own kind; anyone can understand and respect the instinct and need for self preservation and perpetuation (in addition to all the religious reasons).
Also, you cannot accuse me of discrimination since I recognize the right of any human being, regardless of race, to (authentically) convert to Judaism and become a part of my people.
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In response, Rabbi Shemtov. to your response to 'David of Milwaukeee'. You say: "The minute you say that you are Jewish, you imply you are different from one who is not. What does that difference entail?" I would add to your question this question: If one is willing to live by the dictates of halacha and Torah regardless of one's race and ethnicity, of what importance does the Jewish birthright entail? Add to that question then this question: What do you, Rabbi Shemtov, and the other Rabbis prefer: A 'ger tzedek' who enthusiastically embraces G-d, Torah, and halacha, or a Jew from birth who disdains all of the same (a majority amongst the Children of Israel nowadays)?
You see, Rabbi, once you have stated the question 'what does the difference entail?', you have brought up a question of discrimination, and in truth a discrimination that cannot be denied. Denial is not a river in Mitzrayim to which you can return, but can we move forward with discrimination? How do we 'passover' both?
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There are two ways one becomes a Jew: 1) by birth; 2) by proper conversion. A ger tzedek is a Jew. Through his conversion he has become a Jew and is now different than a non Jew.
As a result of his conversion, he is obligated to fulfill Torah and Mitzvos. He is NOT a Jew because he fulfills Torah and Mitzvos. A non Jew who fulfills mitzvot does not become Jewish until he or she undergoes a halachic conversion, thereby becoming Jewish and will remain so even though he or she will stop fulfilling Mitzvos.
Defining one’s identity and role does not necessarily have to imply discrimination.
Regarding your question about what I prefer, ‘a Ger Tzedek (authentic convert) who enthusiastically embraces G-d, Torah, and Halacha or a Jew from birth who disdains all of the same?’:
I never compare any two individual’s religious level. Only G-d can really measure and judge that. I do not consider myself to be G-d’s policeman; I try my best to fulfill my responsibility as my 'brother's keeper'.
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Rabbi Shemtov: If only a Jew can fulfill Torah and mitzvahs, and that depends on whether the Rabbis (that is, you) approve the halachic conversion of said Jew, that places you (and the other Rabbis) on the same level with G-d; and can any mere man, even a Rabbi, decide for G-d who gets any soul, let alone a neshoma?
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When you eat something Kosher you get connected to G-d; when you eat something non-Kosher, that weakens your connection to G-d.
Who decides if some thing is Kosher or not? An orthodox competent Rabbi.
The same goes for deciding if a Mezuzah is Kosher and will connect you to G-d. Ditto for deciding if something is permitted to be done on Shabat or not.
You get the idea.
That is the function of a competent orthodox Rabbi. Not because we are on the same level as G-d, but because G-d gave that power of decision to humans who fulfill certain conditions.
If you want to, you can become a Rabbi yourself.
Are you up to the challenge?
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Dear Rabbi Shemtov,
I came across your letters as I was surfing the Chabad.org website. Though I visit regularly, I had just come back from an annual learning program in my town (New Haven, CT). There are about 40 classes being taught simultaneously in two one-hour sessions. About 4 of these were taught by Chabad. I opted to attend lectures by 2 different conservative rabbis on "The Danger of Kabbala". I attended primarily to be the voice to defend Chabad. While the first Rabbi was negative, but blessedly ignorant on the entire topic (and therefore lacked credibility) the 2nd Rabbi was very articulate and positive and highly recommended this website.
I "stumbled" on the letters and found them quite beautiful. As a psychiatrist, marital issues come up often including intermarriage. I hope this will always be available on the site so people can be referred to it in the future as it's timeless.
Thank you for sharing it.
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This article of cummunications is really extraordinary. I am so glad I stumbled across it. Good thing the Rabbi had the forethought to publish it. The exchanges are of profound influence...
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I was much impressed by your ability to demonstrate both empathy and honesty while discussing this matter:
honesty regarding what we consider our duty/essence as Jews and empathy/respect for the feelings and thoughts of a heartbroken woman.
Your analogy based on Mr. Fish & Ms Bird is definitely one I am going to use when necessary... citing your name, needless to say. Did you find this moshol in the sifreï kodesh?
Thanks to you for the Kiddush HaShem and thanks to "Alejandra" for sharing her experience.
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Thank you for your tactless and undiplomatic compliment. :)
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Hey! I just read this amazing conversation in book form. The title: "Dear Rabbi, Why Can't I Marry Her?"
A GREAT BOOK!
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IMO, Diego isn't ready to marry anyone, Jewish or not! He did this girl a favor breaking up with her! He tells his non-Jewish girlfriend she is a "breath of fresh air" because Jewish women "control" him. Then he has the nerve to ask the non-Jew to convert for marriage! So now the non-Jew isn't (surprise, surprise) Jewish enough for Diego. Maybe he secrectly likes being "controlled" after all? :P
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What is missing in all the conversations is the Converted Jew and how they made their decisions. The born Jew, who is raised Jewish, lives a Frum life and never looks outside of his world, can in no way make any real comments. If you have not walked the path how can you describe it. The converted Jew has made a decision based on 2 sides of the story, the born Jew has only one side.
Over 40 years ago I made the decision to convert from a very religious Catholic background (many years in a Catheolic Orphanage) to a Conservative Jewish Synagog, later maried into a Jewish family and had a son, an only child.
My son has 4 children, is Young Israel and made Aliyah last year, I am also making Aliyah this yesr (I am 67 years young). I maintain a Kosher home and thank the Chabad for all they have done to make me a better Jew.
The problem is not intermarriage, but the closed minds of those who cannot see beyond themselves. Open your eyes that G_D may open your heart, only HE can judge.
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Well, very nice article. Now, there is my question: why did this boy not think about his belief and his wishes before he made this girl unhappy? Quite few of my friends which want to lead an observant life dont care for some relationships to non-jewish girls....as long as they dont take it too serious everything seems to be fine to them. Personally, I think this is a very wrong thing and a very wrong belief of young men. The Jewish people are designated by gd - and this should be an endeavor and not a privilege.
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love does not happen, one does not fall. and if one does that is why it does not work. Love is a choice a conscious decision a well analysed commitment, one that cannot be broken and does not need to ever be broken, love is to be lived and has to become: you.
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What a great article! I am so glad you published it!!!! Thank you.
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I once dated a young woman of Catholic heritage. I was very fond of her. Indeed, it might be considered that we had fallen in love. She even discussed conversion to Judaism. However, this was not the essence of this beautiful person. She may have converted and raised our children as Jews, but it was apparent to me that this would have been a great tragedy, because this would have degraded this character of this person of whom I was so fond as much as it would have been a failure to keep with my nature as a Jew. I believe this set of letters truly depict this. I would also like to say to "Alejandra" that it is quite possible that even though the relationship was impossible, it is still possible that Diego still truly appreciated her essence as a person . In a way showing her the love of giving her up, rather than molding her into someone whom she was not. I hope Alejandra finds her true "possible love."
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The Rebbe,
You said that Ruth is considered as a jew since she said your G- is my G*.
But it seems to me that you eluded the real question ask by this lady: How do we explain that Ruth was able to marry a jewish man when she wasn't a jew herself at that very moment . She only became jew afterwards.
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He doesn't say that Ruth converted AFTER the death of her husband; perhaps she converted BEFORE she married her first husband. But let's assume for the sake of argument that she did not convert until after her husband's death, so that in effect they had had a mixed marriage: This doesn't necessarily make mixed marriages 'right' .... or wise.
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glad the rabbi is able to be so candid and forthright in his answer. i hope alejandro will find the right husband for herself and be happy, and i hope diego will find his bashert.
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I believe if someone wants to convert to judaism, and the concept is brought on by marriage, then it is absolutely fine, Especialy if the non jew is not all that committed, or has always been confused, or none accepting of the religion they were raised with. And AS LONG AS, that person sincerely studies Judaism, and is very open to learning the beliefs and following the traditions. BUT to convert for marriage, and then to "pretend" it all? No, i do not believe that.
From everything i keep reading and learing, is that the bottom line, a jew can marry whomever they choose, and if it is a non jew, then they take full repsonsibility for that person.
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II find it interesting how Jewish men/women go off and date non-Jews and then ask NonJews to leave behind their past life of traditions: Xmas, Easter etc.I find that the request of Jews to non-Jewish is out of line. Non-Jews give up a lot just to become Jewish; the effort needed to embrace the Jewish faith, Jewish culture, the food, it is a lot and at times, difficult. If an individual choices Judaism on their own, this is different than being asked to give up their past. As a converts myself, I hear this issues from other converts who converted for marriage. They honestly do struggle through the Christian holidays and other things they have been asked to give up.
I just think Jews should never cross the line without thinking, twice, on how hard it is for converts. Yes, Torah says Jewish are to accept converts but to be honest, many Jews do not.This is a fact; it is this reason alone that Jews should think twice before dating or asking.
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In response to Bad Behavior: I converted via Orthodoxy and have never had any issues with acceptance. I also didn't convert for marriage: I converted for the sake of G-d. You said it yourself, YOU converted for marriage so it shouldn't surprise you that people do not take you seriously as a Jew. You did have a choice in whether or not to convert. If your convictions were so strong why did you convert anyway? The tone of your post sounds very bitter. You really need to take responsibility for your actions instead of putting the onus on other people.
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Thank you for the article.. I fell in love with a devout Jew.. Even though our relationship didn't work out because I'm a non Jew.. I still think of the whole situation as a blessing because now I am converting into Orthodox movement..
I hope to one day fall in love and find my Jewish soul mate..
I hope the Jewish community will understand that even though I found Judaism because I love a guy.. I'm converting because I love Judaism.. thank you for the article..
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"The key phrase is "Diego used to tell me that I was a breath of fresh air, that for him a Jewish girlfriend was oppressive." I believe Diego "loved" Alejandra for what she did for him, not for whom she was.
As for the reader who questioned the appropriateness of Rabbi Eliezer's interchange with Alejandra, I believe this gem of a woman deserved his interest whether or not she was Jewish. I hope Alejandra finds a husband worthy of her and Diego finds a good psychiatrist. "
I love that comment and I am glad that you paid attention to that certain detail as did I.
G-d loves us all, because it was Him who created us. He never gave up on us. I am upset that Diego gave up on her.
Another note, if Diego in the end left because of the conflicting faiths, he should have never started this relationship anyway! He knew she was brought up Catholic and himself Jewish. He broke this poor girl's heart and left her confused. When he could have educated her more in his faith to begin with.
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Did Alejandra or Diego give permission for the online sharing of her letters and the story of their break-up? If yes, great. If not, feels like a terrible invasion of privacy and a misuse of Rabbinic counsel.
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Of course we have their consent. Besides, the names used are aliases.
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When some one gets married he/she is looking for happiness in their relationship. The definition of happiness is :
1. feeling pleasure: feeling or showing pleasure, contentment, or joy
2. causing pleasure: causing or characterized by pleasure, contentment, or joy
3. satisfied: feeling satisfied that something is right or has been done right
4. willing: willing to do something
5. fortunate: resulting unexpectedly in something pleasant or welcome
None of these can be achieved by two persons with different upbringings who will not feel contentment sharing the other's family ideology. Is not only the friction that is going to exist between the two families but also what the the children they might have, will feel, one side celebrating X- Mas and the other Hanukah. Neither family will be truly happy. Married life is not so easy Do not start with differences. As is said in Spanish "Cada oveja on su pareja"
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B'H. Shalom. Before I give my personal opinion about the topic, I am curious to know if Hadassah marriage to Ahasuerus was an intermarriage; their children must had been born Jewish by their mother's right!!. Now I understand that Ruth joined the children of Israel and therefore problem solved, she did it not because she had to marry some one Jewish, but because she love to be a Jewess no matter what making her a sincere convert. What I learn from the case of Hadassah is that it is easier for non-Jewish men to have Jewish kids by marrying Jewish women, but this is not the case for Jewish men who marry non-Jewish women as their kids are not consider Jewish unless they later convert to it or their mother sincerely embrace Judaism before they are born. I hope this also helps Alejandra better to understand why her friend Diego is concern with wanting to form a family with Jewish kids and not being able to do so with her. Sincere conversion is difficult, but I am loving it as a ger tzedek
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I can see this amazing dialogues is more than 7 years old, and I respect Rabbi Eliezer for his compassion and thoughts invested. This is a heart-breaking story, one can feel in every line the deep love that Alejandra feels for Diego and the turmoil and despair she finds herself in after he left her. Such a shame! And shame on Diego, sorry to say, for clearly breaking such a good woman´s heart! He put onto himself quite an amount of guilt that he has to live with for the rest of his life. - I hope Rabbi Eliezer had a good talk with him too, and told him to ask her for forgiveness. My opinion on this is - if intermarriage or conversion for reasons of love are so completely out of the question, Jewish men should be strongly instructed to not go anywhere near non Jewish women.
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While there is no ONE definition of LOVE, I do agree with the Rabbi that it MUST include less of self and more of giving. Essential to this, is a desire to please the other person and doing everything one can not to dissapoint him/her. By marrying Diego, Alexandra would neither please Diego in a matter important to him, nor fail to dissapoint him. Love must be a lot more than emotion and based on mere physical attraction. The breakup of this relationship, while painful, was proper. While there are those who have a problem with the result, this saga demons that there are consequences to one's actions. The actions of both Diego and Alexandra are classic examples of the "slippery slope" point of view. Neither of them would have had this dilemma and pain if they never got involved to the extent that they did in the first place! Actions have consequences This is what we teach our children. If one does not want to harm another, don't engage in an act that will lead to harm.
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Well done, Rabbi Eliezer Shemtov.
You conducted this complex exchange with brio from the first note to the last.
I was relieved to see how you took responsibility for Alejandra's reaction to your article, how you skillfully helped her to clear confusions, and how you prompted her to refine her self-concept. All the thinking that you challenged her to do has apparently made her feel better. Indeed, although this exchange explains Alejandra's specific circumstances, it can also shed some light on the possible consequences of entering an intimate relationship with a "light" sense of identity.
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and i definitely, positively believe that this experience will make you stronger, and that you will find the right man...imagine if you had to separate after the children were born...how much pain your differences were going to make them suffer...i understand you and I understand diego...because i am a woman like you...but I am Jewish like him...it hurts enormously...but interfaith marriages are not good...time will arrange everything...preserving our people is like the mission of our life...but i know what is it like when you can not keep your prince because of cultural and/or religious reasons...and to Anna, author of good comment: it is true that he should have never started the relationship with alejandra...because she suffered too much at the end...but yes he did right in stopping the relationship...that was going to be a drama when the children arrived...but that's life...things just happen...and he should have never started seeing her...if we could undo all our mistakes...!
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Dear Rabbi, Why Can't I Marry Her?
This original and eye-opening new book records the fascinating email correspondences between a rabbi who was answering questions on Judaism and two different non-Jews who were dating Jews. By addressing their questions about Jewish law and intermarriage, Rabbi Shemtov gives important answers on this topic that everyone can benefit from. A must-have for outreach professionals and anyone who wants to help fellow Jews marry Jews.
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