A well-known rabbi once said to me, "Never write anything controversial. You'll only make enemies, and it won't help." So I hesitated to write this article...
58 Comments Posted
Yasher Koach Dr. Adahan. It's only unfortunate that "working mothers" don't have the time to read such things... I think this article is also very appropriate for those with nannies or who let their housekeepers care for their children for large quantities of time. I see the "care" these children get - imagine the mindset of a minimum wage worker having to care for a helpless, needy child with more money than she has. These nannies have a mix of jealousy, callousness, laziness and apathy - and those are the "good ones" who aren't actually abusing the children. I hope this article gets reprinted in many, many online and print publications so as to spread the word.
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I think it is offensive, irresponsible and false to blame working mothers for the abondoned baby syndrome. These babies are those who don't receive the love, attention and care that they deserve. Some are in day care, some are also babies who stay at home. If a mother is able to be w/ her baby and properly care for him, great! But not every mother is. And many that do, fill their days with errands or their own work, while their baby is left to self-entertained or be dragged along. And working from home is no solution. If you are working, you are not taking care of your baby. If you are with your baby, you aren't working. So one must either provide her child with top quality care herself or it is imperative that she find a caretaker who can. And yes, there is excellent care available, one must just search and find the right place or person. I have always needed to work, but I have made sure that my children are with people who care for them and love them. And too much love has never hurt!
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Kudos and more kudos to Miriam Adahan, who bravely calls it like it is. As I dropped my youngest at her JCC preschool today, I walked past the baby daycare room, and saw the most adorable little baby girl who had crawled to the window that overlooks the parking lot. A daycare room staffer was outside, waving to the baby. The staff person smiled and said to me happily: "the baby recognized me!"
As I walked to my car, I felt very sad. If only the mother knew what she was missing.
By the way, I do work, but part time only. Truth to tell, I think I'm more of a "natural" professional than an instinctively good, patient mom, but the challenge of being a good mother is one I take on willingly, every day, with renewed commitment and prayer....
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What a great article. As a free-lancing artist, I know I am doing the best for my family by being an "at-home mom." While it is a difficult decision, I often turn down a job, knowing it will be too demanding. An article like this helps me stay focused. Keep up the good work!
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Of course, you realize Dr. Adahan that what you have written here applies to all mothers, not just to Jewish mothers.
The first mention of the 'abandoned baby syndrome' in Torah is when Hagar attempts to abandon Ishmael under a bush.
Important questions here: Why is it so important that Hagar resubmit to Sarah?
Was Sarah only to act as a 'harsh mistress' towards Hagar, or was Hagar to eventually benefit from being under Sarah's 'wing'?
Anyway, Dr. Adahan, as a Jewish mother in particularly, you stand for more then a decipherment of the Jewish birthright:
You stand (or should stand) for important Torah 'pereks' (fundamental truths), which also concern the welfare of the world in general,-
and all mother's sons.
Shalom/salaam
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I so appreciated this article. I am a great proponent of SAHMs, but as you can see since I am a Nanny I work for a lovely woman who works outside the home. I truly appreciated the eight points of advice given in this article. I think these points are key. So many of us do not realize how simply we can live so we can remain at home. Our children need us desperately. As one who has sent her first to learn in Israel this year, I can attest the speed of time. 19 years went faster than I had ever dreamed. I do not necessarily agree with the 'need' for outside stimulation. I am one who reads, learns and finds outlets for these things from my home. I love the Home Arts and refining those skills but I do realize and we are all not the same.
Thank G-d, I love being a nanny. I play with my baby and snuzzle her all day. I try to do for her what I would want someone to have done with my child. We must remember that no matter what we do, in or out of the home we are mothers first, that is truly our Job.
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I thank the writer who wrote to me. Hopefully, there will be a few less emotional orphans due to my campaign to get mothers to stay home for at least the first 9 months of a baby's life.
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Now it's 9 months? Before it was 6. But the biggest problem is exactly what you said. This is YOUR campaign. YOUR personal campaign based on YOUR personal issues and YOUR personal beliefs. Your article is not based nor sourced in Torah, but rather on numerous disputable and exaggerated generalizations. And by the way, who was watching YOUR children when you taught classes and wrote your numerous books and articles?
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Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! This article clearly expressed something that has been weighing down my heart for a long time. I am a therapist myself and I am so pained when my friends, clients, or neighbors tell me about how they leave their little precious infants all day with a babysitter. I always think about how for heaven's sake, these babies just came onto planet earth and this is how we treat them at their most vulnerable and needy time of their lives? I support the effort to extol, exclaim and claim for ourselves our gift as woman to mother our offspring. May Hashem help that we all learn the importance of bonding, mirroring, cuddling, and offering a secure environment to support the developmental needs of our children. So that we may nurture Yiddishe kinder that feel loved and whole. This investment of love will reap tremendous dividends as these children will embrace Hashem and his world with love and kindness.
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particularly to a full-time mother of 4 happy children:
I don't think Dr. Adahan is blaming working moms, but only emphathizing the fact that it is emotional and mentally healthier for the mother to be in house full time for the kids, especially when they are very young.
Yes, it is not etched in stone only SAHMs produce healthier children, but the odds are certainly stacked in their favor; and considering how precarious it is to raise children nowadays, why lower your chances of success?
The fault is many instances is undoubtedly the failure of men to support and respect the mother of their children.
In Jewish terms, I have no doubt that a large part of the solution is making teshuva, and returning to more traditional 'family values':
Yes, 'emotional maturity through the Torah'; it is the 'emett' (truth); just what the doctor ordered here.
Don't waste your time blaming each other; just make teshuva-return.
Shalom.
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I chose not to send my daughter to nursery until she reached the age of 2. Although nursery does their best at looking after babies, it is not the same as one to one, as the staff normally have between two and three babies each to attend to. I am lucky that I went back to work two evenings when my daughter was one year old. Therefore spending each day giving her time during the most important first few years of her life. I have enjoyed it and it is something you can not replace, seeing each stage of her development. My daughter now has the tools to look after herself a little more and enjoy the social aspect of nursery, she is going two mornings and I will increase it gradually.
I find my daughter is a happy, confident and secure individual, because I gave her love and care in her early years.
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Thank you. This is exactly what I've been looking for but didn't know it till now. I will pass this on.
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Unfortunately, there are a number of unpleasant factors in the mix here. It just so happens that the crucial years for building a career are precisely the years needed to stay home with the children. It's not about affording luxuries; it's whether the mom will ever be able to get any job beyond low-wage positions like babysitting or teaching in a yeshiva. And we have to consider the soaring rates of divorce, plus the ugly reality of domestic abuse. Will a mom wind up on her own, needing that one paycheck to survive? What about when a woman is past her childbearing years? Who's going to hire her at age 55 unless she's got skills and experience? The phrase "feminization of poverty" doesn't convey adequately enough the financial misery of many Orthodox Jewish women. And what about families facing the need to pay Yeshiva High School tuition bills for several teenagers? Believe me, I know whereof I speak - I have seven children myself. There is no easy solution.
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I am also a single Mother of 4 and cannot agree more with the article. One must make sacrifices for the better of our children. I have given up a well paying job to be home with my children. Whether one must live off of the system or work only part time, women must realize there are a lot of programs available out there for us single mother's to be more at home.
There really is no excuse that we cannot be able to follow through as people who have both parents. I am sure there are people out there who would take very good care of my children, but the bottom line is they are not me. I am their mother and I have been blessed with these children.
Do not get me wrong. I am not against the mother working outside of the home. But I do believe as with everything else in life we all need to realize there are repurcussions.
When you call it like it is children learn what they are taught and if the parent is not there to teach who then is? Maybe we should give up finer things and live more simple.
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There is the ideal situation and there is reality- they don't always go together. That's what life is all about. Being that this is a Chabad site- how about all of us who would have loved staying home, but were told by the Rebbe to go to work? (Teaching- and I have B"H 12).
Maybe this is something to discuss with your Rabbi or Mashpia?
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The biggest and most tragic abandoned baby of all times was the jewish ppl who were abandoned soon after our national birth. "Ki naar Yisrael"-- we are but a child. Our mother (who is also our father) left us feeling all alone. Boy are we suffering the results!
As Rosh Hashanah approaches we blow the Shofar and we ask of our father (our king) to remember us, and he will hear the child's voice in the Shofar's call. Like a mother who eventually comes home.
But we are not like a baby in the way that we can find our parent. Especialy at this time.
So lets stop being such babies and find G-d through each-other as is written 'Borcheinu Avinu Kulonu Ke'echad"!
Shana Tovah Umetokah!
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B"H. Let's critically analyze a few key statements in Mrs. Adahan's article rather than pile on kudos because her views comport with what many want to believe. First, "...the child's emotional development is LIKELY to be affected if she ABANDONS her baby at 2 to 12 weeks." Mrs. Adahan then leaps to the conclusion that "work equals abandonment." NONSENSE. A mother caring for 8 children without help at home can just as easily ABANDON her baby to the care of her older children as women who work outside the home. ABANDONMENT is a function of an individual woman and her total circumstances, NOT the fact that she works. Mrs. Adahan asserts that women avoid bonding with their babies if they are going back to work - I bonded MORE with my kids, not less. And its simply beyond NONSENSE to assert that when infants see their working moms after work, they "may" not know them. No studies cited to back up that statement because it JUST PLAIN WRONG! Babies NEVER confuse Mom with Dad or Nanny.
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Thank you for a profoundly written article, that presents the principles of Torah in an illuminating, practical way.
To the full-time working mother of 4 happy children: You obviously have a deeply rooted complex related to the principles noted in the article, as evidenced in the fury of your response.
The principles of this article actually precisely resonate with the values of Torah. That are clearly written throughout the Rebbe's sichos and letters about family and women. See "The Letter and The Spirit," page 373, for one of the many letters devoted to this matter. Following are some quotes:
"It is a matter of common sense, as well as of considerable emphasis in our Torah, that a woman finds her fulfillment precisely as the akeret habayit, and that this is the area where she can accomplish great and wonderful things, if only she desires it...
"...Thus, in the present abnormal times it has become a
prevalent, though nonetheless erroneous, view that the wife must seek employment, and this must be outside the home...
"...as if a woman can be regarded as a real person only if she goes against her nature and against the natural order of the world...
"...This is especially true when they are of an age when they are entirely dependent upon the attention and loving care of the mother...
"...It would seem rather doubtful that, after all this, there would be an excess of energy and interest to divert to outside employment, and the like..."
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If the Rebbe told you personally, to go and work, then it's between you and the Rebbe. Otherwise, I challenge you to support your point by quoting the Rebbe, for I know of no sicha in which the Rebbe tells women to work rather than raise their children.
On the contrary. In the sicha of 6 Tishrei 5734, the Rebbe says that rather than Chana leave baby Shmuel at home while she went to Shiloh with her husband, and rather than take Shmuel along and hire servants and nurses to supervise him, she chose to remain at home and care for her baby herself.
The Rebbe goes on to say, "There are women who strive to overcome a sense of inferiority and demonstrate that they are identical to men: able to hold a job, able to abandon the house early in the morning and return exhausted in the evening etc. Such working women, says the Rebbe, should learn from Chana who said she would remain at home until her son was weaned.
And that was age two, not a mere 6-9 months!
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I am appalled at the total Chutzpah expressed in your article. How dare you imply that every child of a working mother is an "emotional orphan." I find it completely hypocritical for someone touting the degree "Doctor" herself to preach to others about being working moms. Practically from the moment we step through the doors of our schools, the concept of working to support your learning husband is imbued in us as Jewish women. Although not all of us chose to take this path in life, many do. And while my husband is not learning right now, he is completing his degree at this point only because he DID learn for 5 years after high school instead of going to college. Don't you think it is important for the neshama to be clothed and fed as well? Some of us are completely unable to survive without being a working mother, whether or not we want to be. My heart breaks each morning when I leave my littel tzaddik with his babysitter, as loving as she is, but this is what my tachlis is now.
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Chanie,
I guess I also have a deep-rooted problem with the points in this article. And I have a feeling that the Rebbe would too. It is one thing to say that a child who doesn't receive love, and attention from his mother may suffer from abandment. But it is something else completely to conclude that every working woman ABANDONS her child. The author ridiculously equates all working mothers, so the baby left with a grandmother, father, aunt, loving or abusive babysitter is all the same. If the mother works, the baby is ABANDONED.
The Rebbe was clearly talking about people who choose to work rather than be with their children because they are seeking outside stimuli and fulfillment. Shlichus is also full time work involving both man and woman. And many shluchim have to send their YOUNG children away from home for school and leave babies in the care of others while they run an institution. But the Rebbe said he would care for our children. So maybe stop twisting his comments to suit your needs.
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At first, staying home with my baby was a dicision I wasnt 100% sure about. Where I live, staying home with your baby isn't really "the thing to do." However I couldn't imagine leaving my baby with someone I don't even know! I decided to stay home. The more I am with my baby, the more I am thankful I have the oppotunity to be with her. I am the one who sees the first time my daughter learns something new! I am the one who makes sure she naps... I play with her and take her out when she needs a break (mothers are not the only ones who need to get out of the house!). When she cries I can comfort her... I can make her feel loved, happy and secure as much as I want to. When I hear my daughter laugh, when I see her beautiful smile, lettting me know how happy she is to know I am here no matter what, the joy I feel makes me know its all worth it!!
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I don't understand the anger at Mrs. Adahan for daring to suggest that it's better for a mother to raise her child than a baby-sitter. I didn't find that her article criticizes working mothers as much as make a case for staying home. Obviously there are families that need the double income. That's not the issue. The issue is finding a means of livelihood at home vs. outside the home, where possible, or even not working all together if practical. I don't think anyone would argue that a babysitter can raise a child just as well as his/her parents.
There are many women who feel that they need a career to be complete. The fact is, men don't need careers either. If they didn't need to go to work to put bread on the table, they too would do well to concentrate on raising their children exclusively. Our jobs are only a means to an end. The end is raising disciplined, moral, decent, well-adjusted and committed children who will continue to bring goodness into the world.
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I've been reading the articles posted on this site with some interest for quite a while. While I do not agree with everything written, they always give me good things to think about.
This particular article by Myriam Adahan, reminds me of a situation I was in years ago, when I was unable to work and had to live on welfare, so that I could take care of my youngest son.
Once upon a time, when Welfare was first established, the argument in its favor was that children would be better off if their mothers could stay home to take care of them.
The story of Hagar and Sarah to me brings up the concept of extended families. Often these have extremely tangled relationships. But perhaps children are better off in those situations than living with a single parent who must be all things to all people at all times, just to survive.
Now with the changes in funding, even Jewish mothers in that situation are faced with draconian choices, and no matter what they do the children suffer.
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If it breaks your heart to sent your tzadik to his babysitter then why don't you stay home with him? Seems to me your purpose is raising him. It is beautiful to learn, but husbands can find plenty of time to learn and care financially for the family so that the wife can be a mother to her children. I feel bad for any child who is raised by a babysitter. Children need their mothers. I think children should come before the parents' needs - they are the most important thing you have, take care of them...!
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"Every word is etched in stone." There's no other way to say it. Thank you for an inspiring article.
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I am a mother of three and a working mom too. Believe me every time I have a baby, I wish I could stay at home and care for my child. However, in this day and age, with tuition sky rocketing, expenses over the top. That is not to talk of luxuries, but everday expenses. I would like to ask Dr. Adahan, what she suggests to mothers that go to work ONLY for financial reasons. I was not brought up to live on Welfare and therefore that is not an option. Besides, I don't think that is a good lesson to teach our children either. Don't we want to raise children that could be self-sufficient. Rather than "demonizing" working moms, I believe that you should think about those moms that sacrifice the baby's first year, because of financial reasons!
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Remember the old saying "it takes a whole community to raise a child"?
I am the child of a working mother. I guess you could say I didn't spend as much time with my mom as some of my friends did, but I would never complain about the quality of the time we spent together.
I had two loving grandparents who picked up a lot of the childcare duties and were a wonderful source of fun and affection.
I had an amazing auntie who also picked me up once a week and whose special neshama I will never forget as long as I live.
I had a great babysitter who used to teach us 100 different ways you can make popcorn and used to make up dance routines and shows with me.
I also have a dad who was really involved in caring for me.
You get my point... while not having mom around might seem like a terrible thing, it doesn't necessarily have to be. Many people are capable of loving and cherishing a child.
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Thank you for writing this article. My mom went back to work when I was only 6 weeks old. Through out my life I always felt needy and now I understand why.
Now, I am a mother of three and choose to be a stay at home mom. We have a smaller home, one car, our furniture is hand-me-downs from realitives and friends, and we definitlely don't wear designer clothes. And my husband does work some overtime. But I'm here to greet my boys when they come home from school and my daughter is my little buddy all day. I know some moms have to work, but maybe we can look deeper as to what really matters, expensive cars and a very comfotable home, or our children's well being? It seems like some women "need" to work to support their lifestyles.
Truly, when you think about it, our children are only small for a handful of years compared to our whole life and then it's gone in a flash.They are only little for a season. No one can love your child like you. They need us & we need them.
B'shalom,
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Dear "Horrified": The Rebbe never told shluchos to leave their babies in the care of others while they run institutions. I recently heard of a shlucha who has a GOY care for her children. Brilliant, isn't it? Leave your child to be raised by a gentile while you go out and mekarev other people's children!
I'm afraid that some shluchos use shlichus as an excuse to leave home, something they might very well do even if they were not shluchos.
Shlucha Simcha Fine once wrote an article in which she expressed her horror of another shlucha telling her she can't wait until her children, who boarded and attended school elsewhere and came home for weekends, left Monday morning! She couldn't stand their clinginess and of course she wanted to get back to the REAL work of shlichus without being hampered by her children.
Simcha called an older shlucha to do a reality check. This older shlucha said her children were her primary focus throughout the years, until they were grown!
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I've just read most of the comments to this article and I have to say, I can see both sides. I myself was raised by a stay at home Mom. As 1 of 6, my parents struggled to get by on my father's teacher's salary. I LOVED that my mom was there for me and always made it clear that I was her first priority, but the same can be true for working moms.
That being said, I think there is an issue not being addressed here: priorities based on acceptance of one's own G-d given abilities. For example, some people have more energy than others. My husband's mother was able to get a doctorate degree, have a successful career and raise a wonderful son! Her ability to function well with 6 hours of sleep left her with long days that were not grueling!
I think women need to think about their personal abilities, goals and priorities. Children come first; they are the priority! The real questions are: what do we want, what do we need and what is right? The answer can only be found in each one of us!
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Bottom line: Daycare CANNOT love your baby the way you do no matter how "high the quality" of routine care. The missed moments and milestones may be recorded by providers but they will NEVER be written in the memories of mom's heart. Sorry, but we were sold a bill of goods by the radical feminist [P.C. quality over quantity] and daycare providers [socialization hype - it's about making money! ]. As a post college educated woman I now realize what is most important to a baby: her mom, her presence and her love. I can go back to work later but am willing to sacrifice extra stuff for now for the love of my child. It's really that simple!
I do empathize with those women who cannot, and must work. That is entirely different from what was being discussed in this article.
Being a mom is the most important job in the world. Kids may not turn out perfect due to their choices later on. It DOES NOT diminish a mom's contribution to their early development. It's about LOVE in the end.
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I cannot agree more! I don't have children yet but already I know that we'll make sacrifices so I can stay home.....I have trouble working and keeping our home clean as it is! I can't imagine trying to raise children and work and keep house.
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Your article is excellent!
I would like to add that while some mothers bond with their children the first 6 months or first 5 years, then, when they go back to work mothers have this guilt or mentallity that they have to be super moms. They try to be leaders in every possible task after work like (girl scout leaders) and (coach for every sport activity) etc...that their children attend.
Speaking in re to the observation of my own grandchildren and my friends grandchildren this constant rush to go from one activity to another is insane.
While, I can appreciate letting your children having different experiences THEY ARE OVERBOOKED. The Parents have too much on their plates and the whole family is 100% f the time totally stressed out. Most chilren show agressive behavior and disrespect for everyone.
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I am a young mother myself, and I loved to read this article. Love is action and not a feeling. If a mother loves her child, she sacrifices her job for that her/him. A mother who works for her own personal reasons is selfish. A child deserves parental love and care. No one is capable to feel unconditional love toward someone else's child. A caregiver can never substitute a mother. Do many mothers question what damage it does to a child? I assume that many know little about what's going on in that little person's mind. If we do, we ignore it. I call it hypocracy.
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During my adolescent years, I found out that my Mom had had left me with a sitter who abandoned me for three days (home alone). At the time I was 9 months old. I was then picked up by the Red Cross and sent to an orphonage for 2 weeks. My question is: What are the psycho/emotional affects of this happening to a child this age?
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So this is something I don't understand in the frum world: Why is it considered such a wonderful thing for women to work full time, sending their babies off to be cared for by someone else, so that husbands can learn full time?
I *do* understand the importance of learning, but my problem is that this push for women to work full time is seen as some sort of glorious deed in the name of Torah, when it seems to me that the husbands could be learning just as many hours at night, say, and working during the day, so that their babies could be with their mothers instead of in day care ... I mean, day care in the name of Torah????? Makes no sense to me.
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Thank you for this article. I am a stay-at-home mother, and don't think I could really work outside the home, and still be patient and calm with my children. Still, I sometimes wish for the intellectual stimulation of a job and interaction with other adults. I also feel boring as a non-working mother. It is encouraging to read that what I am doing is the best thing I could do.
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I have two girls (3 yrs & 1 yr ) and I returned to my work one month after having each of them. I was our sole financial support and I had no other way to survive. However I chose to only work three nights a week from 6pm to 2 am. Bar work, although not my first choice as a career let me stay home with my girls most of the time. I was able to breastfeed both for 9 months; pumping while at work. (thanks to new state laws providing women with time to do so at work) All of this was difficult for me but I would sacrifice everything for my girls wellbeing. Thank you for giving my some confirmation that spending my time with them was not only my choice but my duty.
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. It only confirms what I have already seen evidence of in our society today. I can relate to so much of what was written! I have 3 children. My first child was sent to childcare at 6 weeks old. Two years later, I had my second child. I was able to stay home with him for several months before returning. After having my third child, I was fortunate enough to stay home with him for 14 months and since this time (2001), I have only worked 3 days per week. I wish I could go back and change things for my first child. Whether coincidental or not, I do not have as strong a bond with my firstborn as I do with my last two children. I have often wondered if it was related to the lack of "bonding time" those first critical months. I am starting grad school in Fall 07 for my MSN. I am thinking about researching this subject for my thesis. Again, thanks so much for such an enlightening article.
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I don't see anythig controversial about this. Deep down in every mother's heart, I am sure this is what beating beneath. This is very true, very healing, very honest, and probably the very best for any baby. I recently had my baby and the financial pressure had been so hard on me. I have come to term and just forget about everything and just focus on my baby regardless of any body else's demand of me to make money. I felt so sad and lonely. I don't want to leave my baby for any body else. My heart aches whenever I think about having to go back to work. The pain is very real. Hopefully this article will give someone else a chance to put their lives into healthier perspective. Your child need you and there is nothing that can replace a mother's love.
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I'm just curious as to how only you were able to fine "a loving grandmother named Lori" to care for you child, but you assume all other working mothers are incapable of finding loving caretakers for their children.
What a smug, judgemental article.
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You write that you would like to influence even one person. Perhaps you have/will. However, you know better than I (you are a therapist!), that people have to come to their own realizations themselves. There is too much info in this article, it is too preachy (though I like what you say). I would like more from you, but a narrower focus. Like how to make that time from 5-8 p.m. really good for everyone. I am thinking of going back to work. It is difficult to be a working mother.
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As a working mother of a 20 month old boy,i actually agree with the majority of this article. I left a 3 figure salary to stay home with my son for about 10 months,and have since found a job which,although the pay is significantly lower, allows me to work about 25-30 hours a week ,yet still spend a large amount of quality time with him. To make up for the difference in income,my husband and i have made small changes to our spending which add up to big savings. We bring our lunch to work every day, bought large travel mugs and now boycott dunkin donuts and bring our own instead.(That alone saves about $200 a month!) We eat out less, dont take as many big trips,but the time home with my son as opposed to the incredibly long hours i worked previously make it very worth it,and its apparent in his intelligence and personality that he is benefitting from it.
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I have three children and I have always had to work hard and get back to work anywhere from 3months to 5 weeks after their births. They are now 23, 18, and 17. I consider them well adjusted and happy. My husband and I both worked and continue to do so because we have no other choice. Just an added note..I made time to be with my children anyway and they participated in dance gymnastics and sports. ALL did well in school, and my 17 year old is in college.It sounds like you look down on parents who have no other choice, we too can have happy children also.
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We have to think about the American system and the fact that many families are unable to survive on one income, there is little social protection from the gov't. As a working mom of a 21 months old boy, I resent this article, although a great deal of what you mentioned was accurate, such as that there is no match for mother's love. What about the grandparents?? If a family is able to bring the grandparents in to help, why not consider this a loving and safe alternative? There are plenty of children growing up with moms working and they get more exposre to the the outside world - i.e.: classes, gyms, swimming lessons as a result. This is important as well. I am not being materialistic but this is reality.
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First of all, MOST women take at least 6months off when their children are born. Your claim that busy, overwhelmed mothers are not LOVING their children is ridiculous and probably stemming from your own strong opinions regarding motherhood. You have neglected to acknowledge women work because they are intelligent humans who seek fullfillment and a sense of productivity in their lives. Yes some women would be happier at home, but some women need intellectual stimulation. I've seen the negative impact on children from muslim mothers who are forced by culture to stay at home: on depression and anxiety medication, abuse towards their children, isolation, loss of independence and freedom etc. I wish my own mother had sent me to a daycare rather than staying at home with us and subjecting us to her bitterness and resentment. Most overwhlemed mothers would be revealed by fathers taking equal responsibility
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I can imagine many working Moms will not like to read this. No body wants to appear greedy, selfish, uncaring, or not motherly. No body want to "look bad" for having a baby but not wanting to have to do the actual work of taking care and raising their own children. But every body is different.
However, I can't disagree with this article. Well said. I ,too ,delay my career for several years to take care of my child. I am a healthcare professional. It was a very tough decision, but I just don't think that any amount of money can replace time with my child. We moved to a tiny apartment, eat at home more often, cut down on spending, and we were fine.
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I found the article interesting and the comments almost as interesting. What the author is saying is that we as parents must recocnize the phenomena of working mothers in todays society and the effect on our children.Yes there are women who have no choice in whether they work. If they must then we must accept that. We also must accept that many times there is an adverse effect on the children. In recognizing these truths, we can come to some conclusions on how best to mitigate these effects. Some of which are innumerated in this article. I too am a shlucha with a large family and counsel many in my community and I feel that even when working whether by choice or neccessity if our family is our main priority, our mindset re work outside of the home is to make that a job and the raising of our children is our carreer. Then the joy we take in our little and big ones comes accross to them. Having said that Moms you are the best for your kids.
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my father was a better "mother" than my real mother was. He was always there for me while my mother needed outside the home stimulation to be happy. I don't blame my mother--she was happier this way therefore I was happier. Fathers are always pushed to the side by "mothers are best only" set . Babies don't care who holds them for the first six weeks of their lives. Their behavior is reflex only until after six weeks when their personality begins to grow. The don't care who the primary caregiver is--male or female.
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Dang, any one who thinks thank you'll go crazy, losing your independence, become, abusive, or isolated has got some mental issues. Maybe they shouldn't have kids if that's the way they feel about your own flesh and blood children. Abusive unhappy mothers are abusive and unhappy no matter they stay at home or at work. I know because I came from an abusive mother who is unhappy no matter where she is at. She just simply does not want to care for anyone but herself.
Yes we all resented her. While she is busy hoarding buying BMW and big homes, we were sick wish rashes allergy like strays dogs. No we were like toads! While she was wearing Coach bags, we were dressed minimally with hand down left overs . She spent $100 on her haircut and we get choppy home made hairdo. She sits on her throne while the rest of us were shipped off at all the neighbor and relatives' house. It's called baby dumping! We were literally orphans, and for a long time I wondered if she was my mom.
Normal mothers are happy being with their children. That's a natural human instinctive response. You look like at beasts like lions and tigers, they love their cubs. If a mother is irritated being with their children , I can only conclude that her level of maternal instinct is lower than that of a beast. Talk about dysfunction if the human race is below that of animals.
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Great article that speaks the truth!!
I don't know why would someone thinks that a woman has to leave her children in order to "feel good" about herself. The woman obviously has self esteem issues if she feels that her worth is based on monetary gain? What about her worth as a natural mother? It's sad that women are so brain washed to believe that being a mother is a hindrance, problem , or disability of some form.
I think that it takes some one with a lot of confidence to see her value as a human being, to appreciate herself , and her motherhood. A confident woman is accomplished and special without having to use money to measure her worth. Besides, staying home mom does not mean a chronic situation. Staying home mom does not mean being unaccomplished. Most stay at home moms do so until their children can walk/talk/fend for themselves. Then the mother returns to her career. Her brain cells have not shriveled. Her abilities are not damaged by being a mother.
Statistically most children who are abused whether mentally, physically, or sexually, are abused by the people closest to them such as family, friends, relatives. Children are not abused by some unknown boogie man out there. Please check out abuse statistics to find it out for yourself.
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I just wanted to tell those reading this article the importance of the husband in all of this.
If he can still be sweet and loving even a few years after the wedding, and helps more then expected of him. He can and will change the entire situation!
I have tried and it worked amazingly, all of a sudden my wife cried when I went on a short business trip.
What's most important is even if the dads are in a bad mood they should use some self control and just be sweet, loving, and romantic .
Again, this really works!!!!!
Dads, help with love! It's the best investment you can make.
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This article is overdue! It think it's a step toward recognizing where we are as a society. We can start to look at how to improve the situation so that men & women can live together in dignity. After WWII, the women's movement denigrated the role of mother, wife, & woman. Although women had to gain and maintain economic independence from men in order to be heard & in order to be safe we did so at the expense of 'mothering' & 'home-making'. In so doing, we took on the impossible burden of working fulltime & doing most of the home-making with the above described tragic results. Men & women have to recognize the gifts that each gender brings so that we can give & receive from each other. A large part of what women bring is in the home-making department & a large part of what men bring is in the bread-winning department. This relationship is disturbed by the way young families expect the wife to support the family so the husband can study. Time to grow up guys & gals!
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Great points, and wonderfully written! I agree with you completely. Our society has become so feminized, and our babies are suffering. I believe this really starts with the woman's heart. I think men will follow suit, and would appreciate us having enough energy to give to them. I heard the main reasons the fem. movement was funded was 1)to gain income tax from the second half of the population & 2) to break up the family.
It is extremely sad what is happening to children as a result. You did not hurt my feelings, or gain an enemy, but gained my respect for being vocal on the behalf of the babies who cant speak for themselves! :) THank you!
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Well said! I believe that many of today's societal problems stem from people who as children never received the proper nourishment of love and attention. Babies and children need our support, protection, love, and sincerity. There should be ZERO TOLERANCE of child neglect and abuse. Money is important but is it more than the mental and emotional well-being of your own child? We as a society need to really reflect on our values and remember that babies and children are our future. They are our most important and most precious investment ever.
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I used to babysit for a living and can say from firsthand experience that the mom really misses out on a lot of those milestones. I remember calling the mom at work to tell her when they baby said his first word, or when her son lost his first baby tooth. Moms miss out on alot of "firsts" when they are not home with their children during their early years. You just can't get those years back again.
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I have a friend of the family who was adopted out of Korea when she was 3. She was in an orphange with many other children. She is now a mother herself and I believe she has abandoned baby syndrome. She is a severe alcoholic, she is a compulsive liar, she only is affectionate with her children when her parents or the fathers are around. Like she is putting on a show. She forces the children to hold there urine. She will be very cruel to everyone even the children and then truely cannot understand why anyone would be upset with her. Like nothing at all just happened. I have never seen anything like it before. She has friends for a short time, no one can remain her friend for very long for the fact that she lies so often about small things and major things. My concern is for her children. Her family and I are all concerned. Are there any articles that we could read to help?
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