The Shpy

Many soldiers in Tzivos Hashem want to know all about me. Being a Shpy, I can’t shay everything, but there are a few shecrets that I don’t mind sharing.

The month of Tishrei is the beginning of the New Year.This is the time that the world was born; therefore I will alsho shtart like Tishrei -- at the beginning.

I was born like any other baby except that I didn’t cry or shcream. A Shpy has to be shecretive. I just picked up my attaché case and undercover blanket, put on my Shpy raincoat, and quietly went home with my mother.

I was sho glad to get there.“Hi, everyone, I’m hoooome!” I shaid.You can be sure my friends and family were all happy to shee me.

My mother was alsho very proud of her baby Shpy-to-be.“Put your things away and clean up your room,” she shaid,“and when you’re finished, please take out the garbage.Today is your turn.” (A Shpy has to learn early on how to follow orders.) “And don’t forget to hang up your Shpy raincoat!”

Coming from a family of famous Shpies, like my great-great-grand-uncle Shpy, and my even more famous great-great-great-hundreds-of-years-ago-grandfather-Shpy’s-cousin-once-removed, who alsho had the family name of Shpy, it short of came naturally for me to look for shecret missions do around the house, like shetting the table,making my bed without being ashked, holding the dushtpan for my mother, putting away my Shpy books, saying the ‘Shema’ with my younger brother and shister, lifting them up to kissh the Mezuzah every morning and night, and lots of other things.

I shtarted Shpy pre-shchool when I was very young and shtudied hard in the hope that I might eventually get into Shecret Shpy Shchool. I shared my shnacks with friends; I lishtened carefully in classh; I always shpoke nicely to my teachers, and played nicely with my friends. It was hard work, but it was worth it to get to be a Shpy for Tzivos Hashem.

I knew that if I was going to be a Shpy, I’d have to be very shtrong in order shtop the Yetzer Hora, sho I shtarted memorizing the 12 Peshukim, and doing lots of Mitzvos. I knew the Yetzer Hora would be no match for such shecret Shpy powers.

Finally the big day arrived, and I got to go to Shpy Shchool.You can imagine how excited I was.The whole night I could hardly shleep a wink.

“It’s just a trick of the Yetzer Hora, trying to keep you up the night before shchool begins,”my mother shaid. When I heard that I went shtraight to bed.That way I was good and refreshed the next morning when I went to Shpy Shchool.

I was ready for anything.No doubt you think that the hardesht part of being a Shpy is shwimming across raging rivers, or climbing up shteep mountains, or disguising yourshelf as an envelope, or hiding in a dark cave all alone in the middle of the night. But this is not true.The hardest part of being a shecret Shpy is finding a parking place for your car.

I remember many times when I had the Yetzer Hora trapped on a shtreet corner, only to watch him get away, as I circled around the block.

“I’ll only be five minutes,” I called out as I waited for the light to turn green.“Don’t go away!” But the Yetzer Hora didn’t listen.

One of the mosht important lessons I learned in Shpy Shchool was that a Shpy musht never be afraid of anything except of Hashem. I remember talking about this many times with my childhood friend, Feivel of Fliggelfinger.

“You’re right, Shpy,” said Feivel.“But you come from a family of Shpies, and you’re going to be a real Shpy yourself when you finish Shpy Shchool, so naturally you’re not scared, but I get scared, just from thinking about the Yetzer Hora.”

“You don’t have to be shcared, Feivel,” I explained. “Really the Yetzer Hora is the one who’s shcared, and he just tries to shcare you by pretending he’s not shcared, because he hopes that you’ll be too shcared to do what you’re shupposed to, and for sure you’ll be too shcared to do a Mitzvah, but really he’s shcared that you might not be sho schared as he’s shcared that you’re not shcared, and then you will do a Mitzvah, and that’s what he’s schared of, sho you don’t have to be shcared at all.”

Those were the kinds of shtudent conversations we had in those days, in Shpy Shchool.Many times in a real shcary situation, I think back on my talks with Feivel, and right away I’m not shcared any more.

Another mosht important thing I learned in Shpy Shcool is that a Shpy’s job is 24 hours a day, every day of the week. (But I usually finish way before Shabbos shtarts.) If I am pretending to be a pair of pants in a clothes closet, shpying on a very shecret meeting of all the Yetzer Hora’s youpie-doopie helpers, I have to shtay there until it’s finished.You can’t expect me to shtep out of the closet because it’s five o’clock and time to go home, or because it’s lunch time, or recess!

Wouldn’t you be shuspicious if you looked out of your living room window and shaw a pair of pants walking down the shtreet?

Only when the meeting is all done, can I get down and begin to file my shecret report.Of course, I don’t go to my office for that. Shince I’m a Shpy, I don’t have an office. I have an attaché case. Sho when I have to make a report on the Yetzer Hora’s activities, I just take out my attaché case and pull out my all-weather-Collapsible-Bendable Flexible-Expandable-Indoor-Outdoor-Four-Walled-Office.

Shometimes, however, I have to take out a few other things firsht that a Shpy has to have in his attaché case, like a Palm-Treo-700p, SeberTech-M4 for repairing shticky deshk drawers, two tuna fish sandwiches with an apple and a shlice of cantaloupe for lunch, a pipe-thread-cutter for fixing a shudden leak, a warm-weather-cooler, a coolweather- warmer, an alternating-revershible-mildweather- warmer-cooler, 147 elashtic bands, 5767 paper clips, sheven-39-shent-shtamps, thirty-sheven-2-shent shtamps, a Tzivos Hashem pushka, and a copy of the 12 Peshukim in case of an emergency.

Then I can shet up my office anywhere, and I do. In a real emergency I usually open it up next to my laptop.

Only after I write up my shecret report and shend it off, can I at last return to Tzivos Hashem Headquarters for my next shecret mission, but shometimes I don’t even have to wait that long.

A Shpy is always on the job!

Like I always shay, Never talk to your friends with your mouth closed.

EYB
eht morf
YPHS