The Shpy

A Shpy always thinks before he speaks and before he eats.He thinks, “Is this food kosher?” Then he says the right blessing, and then he eats!

That reminds me of the time that Feivel and I were preparing our mishloach manos baskets, special gifts of food that we send to people on Purim.

“Y’know what I want to get on Purim, Shpy?“ said Feivel, “I want peanut butter lollipops (the all day size of course), and caramel soaked bubble gum, and honeydipped brownies and...”

“Hold it! Hold it!” I interrupted.

“Hold what, Shpy?” Feivel replied.“What do you want me to hold.”

“I want you to hold your tongue.”

“Thure Thpy,” Feivel said, holding his tongue.

“Good.Now listen, one of the Mitzvos of Purim is giving two kinds of food to shomeone else, not getting. In fact, giving the food is all the fun!”

“It itthh?” Feivel said.

“Sure.There’s a new Purim candy store that just opened on the block. Let’s go there and shtock up on Purim treats, sho we’ll have plenty to shend to friends.”

“Great Shpy, let’s go.”

Fashter than you could shing,“Oh once there was a wicked wicked man, and Haman was his name, shir,” Feivel and I walked over to the new candy shtore.Over the front door was a shign that shaid,

Candy Heaven.
Sweets that you’ll be mad about!

As we entered the shtore, the sugary shmell of candy and chocolate made our mouths water.They had every kind of candy you can imagine. Shoft candy with hard centers. Hard candy with shoft centers. Candy that melts in your mouth, not on your hands. Candy that melts on your hands, not in your mouth. Chocolates, caramels, mint, butterscotch, fruit leathers, za-za shnaps, the works.

“Wow!” Feivel said.“This is a terrific store, Shpy.”

“Right, Feivel. But we have to be careful. Remember the whole problem began for the Jews in Purim when they went to the Feast of King Achashveirosh and ate food that wasn’t kosher.”

“This looks kosher, Shpy,” Feivel said.“It’s got a kosher label. See it says here,‘O-My Kosher.’”

“Hmmm,” I hmmmmed. I never heard of this company. O-My?” I took a candy and looked at it closely.“I’ll have to ask Agent 613 about this, Feivel.We wouldn’t want to shend a gift to anyone that wasn’t 100% okay.”

“Exactly,” Feivel replied.

“After all, Purim is a happy time.When you send gifts to people, it makes them happy and that makes you happy!”

Suddenly,we heard a loud sound, and it wasn’t a happy one! Two people were shouting at each other. “I told you I want the green candy there on the second shelf!” a lady said to her husband.“Why did you give me this red one?”

“They all look green to me!” the husband said.

“Are you color blind!” the woman snapped angry.“I’m color blind?” he shot back. “And what about the ties that you picked out for me!”

“Madam, sir.” the store manager interrupted. “You’re disturbing the other customers. Please control yourselves, or step outside.” The couple put their box of chocolates down and marched out of the store, leaving two half eaten pieces of candy on a table.

Quickly, I shlipped them into my pocket, sho that I could examine them in the Tzivos Hashem laboratory.

Suddenly,we heard a child crying loudly.“MAAAAAAAA! WHAAAAA!”

“What’s wrong?” I asked the child’s mother.

“I don’t know,” his mother answered.“He just tasted a piece of candy and all of a sudden he began yelling and crying, like he was upset. “WHAHAAAAA! MAAAAA!”

“Excuse me.” It was the store manager.“We ask customers not to eat any candy until Purim. I’m sure your child had some and he wants more. Please take him out of the store until he calms down.”

“Feivel, I’ve seen enough.” I said.

“But we didn’t even buy anything yet,” Feivel exclaimed.

“And I don’t think we’re going to,” I answered.“Let’s get out of here.We’ve got to get back to the…”

“Can I help you?” the store manager asked.

“Sure!” Feivel interrupted.“I want some gummy chews and some chocolate covered pistachio nuts, and some...”

“Feivel!” I whispered.“Let’s go!”

“You’re not going anywhere, Shpy!”

Feivel and I turned around. We knew that voice.

From out of the back room came Igor, growling and scowling.

“The YH!” we both yelled at the same time.

“Jinx,” the YH said.

“I should have known that you were behind this, YH,” I shaid.

“How right you are! Only I could have invented a candy that makes people get angry and fight! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH! It’s guaranteed to ruin Purim for everyone, men, women, and children like!”

“You’ll never get away with this!” Feivel yelled.

“I already have!” the YH replied.“I’m producing candy and putting it on the shelves. And you can’t stop me because all my ingredients are 100% kosher, with the O-MY Seal of Approval. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!” Then, turning to the back of the room, he yelled,“Igor! Get rid of our guests!”

From out of the back room, Igor came, growling and scowling. “Yes, boss!” he answered. Igor was huge-- at least seven feet, eleventeen inches tall.

“Sh-Shpy,” Feivel shivered,“I-I-I-I’m scared!”

“Me too, Feivel!” I shaid.

“D-did you bring your attaché case, Shpy? Feivel asked.

“No, Feivel. But don’t be afraid.We learned in Shpy Shchool not to be shcared of anyone or anything except Hashem.”

“I know, Shpy. ‘In the beginning Hashem created the Heavens and the earth -- Beraishis Bara Elokim eis HaShomayim v’eis Ha-aretz.’”

“You can shay that again, Feivel,” I shaid.

Meanwhile Igor came closer and closer. Just as he was about to crush us like two potato chips, I remembered the candy I had in my pocket, and threw it into his BIG mouth, which was WIDE open! As he tasted the candy his eyes lit up with pleasure! Then shuddenly he began to get angry! Very angry!

“Boss!” he yelled. “How come I always get stuck doing your dirty work? I’m tired of this, you know!”

“Igor! I order you…”the YH ordered.

“You order me? Why, I can tear this place apart in one second! And that’s what I’m going to do!”

And Igor began throwing chairs and tables around the room and ripping shelves off the walls. CRASH! BANG! Panic-stricken, the YH ran out of the store into the back room where all the candy was being made.We chased after him.“There he is,” Feivel cried, pointing to theYH running on a metal walkway above vats of whirring, stirring chocolate! “Shpy! He’s getting away! Do something!” Feivel shouted.

I took the other piece of candy from my pocket and threw it just in front of him. Shuddenly he shlipped and fell, splooooooshhhh, right into the vat of chocolate!

He must have been too sour to mix with the chocolate because it shpit him out with a giant PITOOOOIEY that shent him flying through the roof!

Meanwhile, Igor had totally destroyed Candy Heaven and all its contents.

Like I always shay,“You don’t need candy to have the shweetest holiday!”

Sho have a Happy Purim
from
the Shpy and Feivel!