By Yanki Tauber
 | We are physical beings, and the laws of physics (at least as they stand now) dictate that time runs in one direction only. Yet for some reason, we just won't let go. We continue to feel responsible for what was, continue to regard our past as something that still "belongs" to us and which we can somehow "fix"
31 Comments Posted
Not all that very long ago I learned something very simple, and very valuable.
I "sat down with myself" - just me with me - and asked some questions.
Have I ever forgiven others for major wrongs done to me, for something seemingly unforgivable? - yes, I have.
Why was I able to forgive these others? - because I cared about them.
Why am I not forgiving myself? -
Am I more important, more special than another? Do the bad things I do matter more than the bad things others do? Because if that's the case, then the good things I do would also matter more. I simply can't have one side of the coin without the other.
And my last two questions to myself were: Would G-d be pleased if I showed no kindness to the person closest to me (myself) - and if I can't be kind to the person closest to me, what's my kindness to another really worth?
Since then I've forgiven myself. Totally so.
Thank you for this article; it's filled with kindness and positive-oriented things.
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magnificently written - will use to teach all three classes this week please G-d! Whenever I need to teach ( and learn) chabad.org is always there with terrific articles. Thank you
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What a well written article. It's funny, because for the past month I've been thinking about many past events and indeed worrying about some tiny matters that happened a long while ago. It's nice to know that everything does in fact happen for a reason, but it's hard to use that as an excuse for something you feel bad about. The idea that it may lead to better opportunities is comforting.
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This article succinctly describes what I have been feeling for a long time regarding not attending a good friend's funeral in 1997. You have masterfully spoken wise words. Thank you,
a christian pastor
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It may seem strange that a MJ song Man in the Mirror could help anyonse, especially with the trouble he continues in...but somehow The Eternal One kept that song in my head until I really did take a good look at myself. That became a new beginning. Now when I look there I have a bit of understanding and am not quite so hard on myself and others. Be blessed in the new day! Truly take time to look at yourself
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To quote another article written by yourself, if I may. From "What is sin?":
"To achieve this (transform it from evil to good) we first have to experience the act of transgression as a negative thing. We have to agonize over the utter devastation it has wrecked on our soul. We have to recognize, disavow and renounce its folly. Only then can we go back and change what we did (literally)."
I may be to critical, but your last paragraph left me with the impretion that the material and spiritual were two expressions making to different statements. If you believe that all four definitions of sin, to include His own plus (Wisdom, Prophesy and Torah) were all written by Him, One cannot say something contrary to another. Teshuva is truly powerfolly transforming, in space and time.
Forgive me, all this black coffee inspires me to do one thing if you know what I mean. I truly do enjoy your work and the efforts of Chabad.org....... To G-d the Glory!
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A few years ago the woman I love (and who I believe loved me) did a number on me and dumped me, taking all my friends. Years later I still love her, still feel an attachment.
No matter HOW I look at that, no matter how many times I tell myself 'it was all for the best' my life is no richer. It's much POORER for having lost her, and nothing I'll ever do will bring her back or change the way I feel about her.
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Why is it so hard to let the past be as it is? An example, me and my girlfreind broke up a few days ago, and all I want is to get togather with her again. But I know that that will never happen. This is where time travel comes in to play, what would I do difrently if I could? Would I try and stay or would I have seen that even if I did stay, I still would be heart broken?
To accept that we as a human race can't change that we have to look to the future for the rest of our answers.
"There will always be a better tomorrow"
Thank you for listining to what it is that I have to say.
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This was a wonderfully written, deeply insightful article. Thank you
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Is repentance not for everyday
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Beautifully written on a universal theme that has troubled mankind on trying to change past mistakes. For a non-jew(Christian) as myself who is trying to learn a little bit about Yom Kippur and jewish tradition. It is a welcome breath of fresh air so to speak to learn and get a better understanding on your fellow human being with a diverse religious backgroung and cultural and traditional beliefs. I can use some of this material to better understand life and others. Thank you.
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I think it is easier for me to forgive others for hurting me than it is for me to forgive myself the paing I have caused others.
I have experienced the pain I feel when inflicted by others, either physical or emotional. I have also felt the pain of guilt from my own misdeeds and sins against others. If I could choose between the two I would choose to be hurt rather than to hurt another. The pain is less intense. When it comes to someone else I can always let them off the hook. "they don't know any better" or "they were just angry" etc.. but when it comes to me hurting another all I can think is "how could I have done that? How could I have said that?" When others are hurtful, it's their own sin, their own shame, let them deal with it. But when it's me I'm left wondering if I even can. It isn't enough to believe there is good beneath the bad. The bad must be gone. What good is goodness if buried under rubbish.
Good article, it really got me thinking.
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well i came here to figure out how two change the past to bring my grandma back to life and i gotta tell you this doesn't help
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One cannot return to the past and change it.
However, even if one cannot forgive and forget, one can move on. That doesn't change the past, but it does change the future. As for the present, it's gone before you know it.
As for the anonymous writer who felt your artilcle didn't do him any good--his grandparent is still dead--I say, live your life as she would want you to. Let her live through your life, and you'll love each other even more.
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The key point I understood from this article is that the old saying that "an unexamined life is not worth living" rings especially true vis-a-vis teshuva. If we can somehow manage to glean insights from the darkness, then the darkness truly has served a purpose and been subsequently transformed into something productive. By the same token, the counterbalance required is to make sure we're not spending an inordinate amount of time in this "gleaning" process at the expense of our present.
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If Einstein is correct, then the past, present, and future are ONE. If time is relative rather than absolute, then I think that it is possible to time travel to the past and change it. Also, if time is an illusion, why not travel to the past to change it and then come back to the present at the mement we left? I don't think we are as subject to linear time as we think we are.
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very good . I have related to this article.
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With proper momentum and force, plus varying degrees of thought and light one can create the time machine. Kabbalistic theory has proved time is not linear.
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Remember Lot's wife is all I can say!
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What if the person who could use an apology has died? What is there that can replace that person-to-person expression of regret?
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Has helped me to reflect on my life during these most important days of reflection. Now I must go to light the candles of Shabbas Shuva.
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Wow. That is really beautiful, and really clears things up. Thank you.
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As a non practicing jewish guy from Newark i've had a hard time finding any inspiration in most of your articles...That article has my mind drifting in hope.. very inspirational. thanks!
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The Bible is figurative at times and literal at times. If we look back to reinterpret the meaning of a current sadness, surely we are more than an ingredient in a margarita.
This reading helped me with the issue of forgiveness. Forgiving myself. Thanks.
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Is there anyone out there, including the author!, who can answer my question, asked a short time ago, above? It was: What about someone we need to apologize to, but they have died. How do we go about telling the person we feel we have wronged that we are sorry?
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This is done through visiting his or her grave and asking for forgiveness. One should speak openly and honestly and with a humbled heart. Ask for the individual to pray on your behalf and on behalf of your family. If at all possible, one should take along a minyan (a quorum of ten adult Jewish men) to the cemetery, and ask for forgiveness in their presence.
There is also something else that can be done for the soul: Mitzvot. Adding an extra good deed in the memorry of the deceased brings merit and joy to their souls.
For more on these ideas, see How can I make amends to a deceased person?
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How do i go about changing something i did to my loved one? It hurts them really bad when they think aabout it and we could move on to a great life together if only that event had never happened.
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This is a tough question as we cannot control anothers thoughts or feelings. I am not sure what you did but if I am reading between the lines you are referring to a violation of trust? The teshuvah in this case is to make amends to your partner and do whatever it takes to make it up to them within reason of course, don;t break any laws religious or otherwise. You may find when you ask what you can do to make amends the answer is not one you want to accept but as the article above states there are reasons things happen sometimes unseen and time is one directional. If you ask for forgiveness from this person and pray to g-d for forgiveness and his help in making it right you might find there is something you can do to make it right. If you ask make sure you do not say a word while this person is explaining themselves, your input not welcome, no mention of what this person did to cause you to do what you did etc. Whatever this person says be prepared to do it no matter what.
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How do I ask for forgivness from my family after years of silence?
I don't want to drudge up old issues but I also don't want to sweep things under the rug.
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Basically the teshuvah process is one in which you approach the family either individually or together and own up to your part of the deal. never ever bring up what they might have done. Clean your house so to speak. Admit to your shortcomings, sincerely apologize and ask what you can do to make it the way it once was, the way you want it to be again. This is the most important part, when you ask that question don;t speak listen and whatever they say do. This is the ideal time of year to broach this topic we are all in forgiving moods as well as asking for forgiveness ourselves so timing is good. You may find they are not interested in making amends our rabbis tell us we have an obligation to try three times and then consider it something you cannot change. Good luck and feel free to ask more questions.
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