|
 |
My husband and I are divorcing. We have three young children and despite my own pain, I'm most concerned with how my children will respond to this upheaval. How do we break the news to the kids, and what should we tell them? 11 Comments Posted
As a psychotherapist who specializes in working with families in transition, I offer the following.
1. Stay calm.
2. Tell children age appropriate information and only information the relates to them(example, where they will live, how often they will see the other parent).
3. Remember your child is apart of both of you. When you diss the other parent, the child feels a part of him/her self is being attacked as well.
4. Don't try to minimize the child's feelings. If they cry, comfort them. If they are angry, let them express it(not in a violent way, of course) Don't try to tell them what to feel. They have a right to feel what they feel.
5. It is ok to say you are sad, angry, too. Keep the details to yourself. How you handle your feelings, models for your child appropriate behavior.
6. Divorce is a process. It will take time for your child to adjust.
Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC
Author "From Ex-wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce"
|
I am divorced woman with three daughters telling you now, after 10 years of aftermath....you suffer, your husband suffers, the children suffer....ripping apart the fabric of your lives is not worth one cent.
Drop your pride, love one another, reconcile and work as if the lives of your children were at stake because they are.Pray to G-d to HELP YOU. There is no other way.
|
My divorce was extremely hard on my kids. Divorce can be extremely traumatic to families, especially children. My book, Living With Mom, Spending Time With Dad takes us through a myriad of emotions that two children, Stephen and Alex experience through this tumultuous period. The children, especially Alex gives an extremely candid and honest account of the day to day trauma, the hostility and at times the many poignant memories that he has. It also addresses the concerns and anguish of being torn between two parents. Throughout the story there is that underlying hope that everything will turn out alright and everyone will be back in their original comfort zone.
|
Leslie commented above that the pain of divorce is just not worth it. I empathize with her pain and hope for her and her children, that ultimately things will work out for the best. Although I advise people to view divorce with much caution, because it does rip apart the fabric of the family, it may sometimes be the best option. I, too am divorced with two children for many years, but I find that I am grateful every day that I am no longer married to my ex-husband. His dysfunctional, controlling behavior made me live with constant fear, anxiety, and no option of independence. Although divorce is not ideal, in some circumstances it may be necessary. I am now able to be a mother who is "emotionally present" for my children because I am not wrapped up in my own anxiety from my ex-'s behavior, and my children's teachers comment that they are very well adjusted. I am also a happy person, and have been able to grow, not restricted by his "rules". Sometimes, divorce is the only route.
|
While I understand people are allowed to choose. We must begin firmly - do not divorce, mend your ways for the sake of your children and children's children. We are creating a nation of orphans. Just Stop It Now!
A nation is toppled one divorce at a time.
There are no good ways to tell children their lives have been ripped apart! Quit pretending. Professionals of all sorts make healthy living off your selfish desires.
Stop It!
|
Most divorcing parents do not realize that the agreement they sign at the time of their final divorce decree is set in stone. When there are such young children, it's important to think ahead until the children will be 18, and to include as many details as possible that will provide for the children's best interests. Signing an agreement to "get it over with" is a big mistake; it's an irrevocable agreement unless you've got thousands and thousands of dollars to spend in legal fees change it later on.
Divorce, though, should generally be avoided at all costs (unless there is a danger). It's usually not the end of something not good; it's the beginning of something even worse.
|
just one word : do not divorce. I am a divorced father, I can tell you that there is not one day going on without the pain and this deep feeling that your kids are suffering ! No excuse for divorce ! Only in a very limited number of cases a women can divorce. my ex has the kids, we both remaried and believe me : divorcing is the worst decision you will ever make in your life.
|
Is it really better to keep the family as a "unit" when parents are suffering together and children see them be in trouble all the time? Isn't it better to have a calm parent (mother)? I just don't understand it... a family with unhappy parents or a divorced set of parents... what is really the best?
|
As a psychotherapist who has helped families in transition for over 25 yrs, I can tell you this is not an easy decision. Domestic violence, chronic substance abuse and verbal abuse are not beneficial for kids. We need to protect our children from such experiences. One wise client said,"It is better to COME from a broken home than to GROW UP in one."
Donna Ferber, LPC, LADC author "From Ex-wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce"
|
I cannot believe the criticism and dire predictions heaped upon this woman by all the self righteous comments. Also, in the response she is basically being told that she is destroying her family and causing G-d to weep.
I am sure that with 3 young children Tzipporah is not taking divorce lightly. We do not know her circumstances and how dare all of you judge her.
To all of you who are giving Tzipporah an ayin harah about her children, predicting traumatized lives and suffering, you should think before you talk (or write).
Tziporra, you do not need to be a statistic. If you don't speak ill of your soon to be ex, and give lots of love and attention to your children they will be OK. That doesn't mean it will be easy. If your husband's a bad father etc, then try to involve other male role models in their lives. Don't ever talk about your personal problems with the children or let them hear you discuss them. Go to an understanding open minded therapist and later perhaps family therapy
|
sorry I wrote Tzipporah, I meant it for the divorcing mom.
|
|
|
|
|
LOGIN
ASK THE RABBI
Read this article
