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Help! I've got kids...

Daughter is Selfish

Daughter is Selfish

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Dear Bracha,

As my daughter entered into her teen years, she became so consumed with her wants and needs! For instance, every year I volunteer at her school, something I love to do. But this year, following the birth of my son, I asked her if she'd babysit her brother while I volunteered. She refused to babysit and claimed that I was ruining her time. I felt her plans were not very important and a terrible feud ensued. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do toward her. It hurts me to have such feelings. I do everything for her, act as chauffer, and buy her what she needs. We are constantly giving to her, but she refuses to contribute. She will only assist if there is something in it for her! Please help!

Frustrated Mom


Dear Frustrated Mom,

With regard to your daughter's selfishness, I suggest a reorientation. It seems that she has become disconnected from the family unit. The family is all important, but today's fast-paced, materialistic society washes the mind with needs and wants, and as the saying goes, "what the eye sees, the heart wants." This holds true for attitudes and ideas of "how life should be" gleaned directly from television, movies, novels and other mass media. Combine these influences with peer pressure, and it's not hard to see how your wonderful daughter could become self-centered.

I said "wonderful," and I mean "wonderful." I note that you make no reference to problems before her teens. I infer from this that your relationship was running fairly smoothly until recently. All that goodness you experienced is still inside your daughter, and under the right circumstances will emerge.

Your daughter is trying to find "herself" – that is the main task of teenage-hood – and as a result, struggling to fit in. Organizing her social life is a huge part of this process. Your "intrusion" on her time presses a huge button, and this is the essence of the matter. She sees this as "her time" that you have no inherent right to and is the only thing she truly owns. What is needed is reorientation and negotiation.

Reorientation: Every member of a family has set duties. Only the very youngest are excused from this because they lack the skills and, in fact, need assistance. A family is successful when they all pull together to improve their lives. There is no reason why a healthy, capable person should not be helping. Pick a calm moment to have a private talk with your daughter. You should have ready a clear list of what you feel is fair for your daughter to do as part of her chores and responsibilities, and discuss the list with her. Reach an understanding and have her sign it (this proves invaluable later if there is a dispute), then stick to this list. She is probably a fair-minded person and showing her the imbalance that now exists will hopefully elicit a sympathetic response.

Negotiation: One aspect of parental duty, especially mom's, is that of primary responder to all things needed or wanted. Your daughter has enjoyed this convenience, and has had her needs met, sometimes on a moments notice, be it a lift to the mall or help with an overdue assignment. Therefore, as a maturing person, she needs to learn to pull her weight in times when her family needs her. However, aside for the time she completes her regular duties, she is right that having her schedule respected is very important. Her time should not be interfered with without her consent. Aside from times of true emergency (G‑d forbid), there should be no assumption of her availability and she should be given notice on any extra significant demands on her time. This is a very important aspect of fostering mutual respect, respect that she deserves. The door swings both ways; parents should give advanced notice if they need help at a time that might conflict with her schedule, and you daughter should grant any reasonable requests by remembering your commitment to her wellbeing. Work together, and support each other as much as you can. That is the measure of a family. Your daughter will learn to see it, and understand how she measures up. I remember one saying: "When it's time to move the piano, don't be the one carrying the stool – pull your weight!"

Seeing who she is and what is really important in life is a huge ongoing process that takes time. With your help, your daughter will grow to become a responsible, giving person. Wishing you and your family all the best!

Bracha


Bracha Mirsky is a mother of triplets and twins, a Registered Nurse and labor Coach, and a Certified Parent and Infant Consultant, who has a unique ability to see "parenting complexities" from a multitude of angles. Bracha can be reached via her site: whatmakeskidstick.com
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Discussion (2)
October 20, 2009
Daughter is Selfish
Two wonderful 18 years old teenagers
Negotiating with my girls has never worked.
Last night I was helping some one, so before I left I told them, I need one of you get all the garbage around the house and to do the pizza fro dinner before I come home. Therefore, what happen yes the garbage was up the hill and no pizza left? I got upset why you did not leave a slide of a pizza. So my darling teenagers said. Mommy you told me to make it not to safe it. Therefore, at 10:00 Pm I had to find something to eat. She was right lol
She is human, she is not an adult, so I need to understand and accept that I need to be more careful how I use my words next time.
I working hard to accept, not expect from them. I believe in today’s society is so hard to be a teen. I believe teens want to express their needs and for us parents it is hard to understand because we have been shown very different by our parents.
We do have days that we do not get along, but the majority of the time we do
esther
atlanta, ga
October 19, 2009
Another hint to get your teen to help...
You have to know what she will work for in the rewards area. Some teens are at the point they need independent money or a small part time job. You can be the one who HIRES her to babysit, but you have to pre-arrange it with her and respect her enough to ASK if she'd be available. Then you TELL her how much money it is worth to you. Maybe $5 or $10 for the evening or per hour for babysitting. This would make her feel like an "adult" rather than a baby being ordered around. If you do follow the advice of making a list of demands, preface it with allowing her, also, to make a list of demands. THEN discuss each other's wish lists, and then NEGOTIATE. This will teach her, also, to handle conflicts in a mature manner.
Karen Joyce Chaya Fradle Kleinman Bell
Riverside, CA
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Bracha MirskyBracha Mirsky is a mother of triplets and twins, a Registered Nurse and labor Coach, and a Certified Parent and Infant Consultant, who has a unique ability to see "parenting complexities" from a multitude of angles. Bracha can be reached via her site: whatmakeskidstick.com
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