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Warning: Marriage is Hard
Friday, October 10, 2008
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Romantic Delusions
Romance is wonderful, isn't it? Too bad it ends so shortly after marriage! Of course, the Torah advises against this practice; courtship should last for120 years. Unfortunately, the Torah faces tough competition with today's newspapers, glossy magazines, movies and internet communications. The message of modern society is: "You deserve a perfect mate and if yours doesn't fit that description, then ditch him and try again."
The divorce rate in large cities tops 60% and in smaller, more "family-oriented" towns, it hovers around 50%. People – in large numbers apparently – find their spouses unsatisfactory. Could it be that their expectations are out of line with reality?
Grounds for Divorce
Judaism allows for divorce. It is there as a healing tool in cases of marital toxicity. It is assumed that all or almost all marriages will be challenging, somewhat painful, very painful at times, disappointing, boring, crushing, hurtful and otherwise difficult. Jewish divorce wasn't created to address the pain in marriage any more than suicide is condoned to address the pain in living. Jewish divorce is meant for that small number of marriages that suffer fatal flaws such as untreatable marital violence or sexual or emotional repulsion (neither of these is a "fatal flaw" when responsive to treatment). In fact, most of your spouse's irritating behaviors do not qualify as "fatal flaws."
Human Imperfection Personified
Your spouse is "human imperfection personified." So are you, but that probably doesn't bother you that much. In any event, if your spouse engages in any of the following behaviors, he or she is within the normal, unpleasant range of personality possibilities:
- Disrespectful and/or hurtful speech
- Forgetful, neglectful or irresponsible behaviors
- Inattentiveness
- Lack of self-care
- Disregard for your feelings
- Poor communication skills
- Poor listening skills
- Poor parenting skills
- Improper allocation of resources such as time or money
- Mood issues
- Insecurities, anxieties, fears and phobias
- Anger issues
- Negativity, excessively critical, demanding
- Immature, impulsive
- Controlling, selfish, inconsiderate
- Not nice in any other way
Imperfect people get married and have children. Maybe they shouldn't, but they do. In fact, since there are no perfect people, it's probably better for the human race that they do. In any event, you married one and you are one, so don't be surprised when your spouse lets you down in a million different ways. Help your spouse to improve but most of all, help YOURSELF to deal with it. Enlist books, classes, counselors and prayer; do whatever you have to do to bring yourself, your spouse and your marriage to a higher level. Unless what you are dealing with is a Torah Certified Fatal Flaw, then divorce cannot be considered part of your solution. Divorce curtails the growth process. (If your spouse divorces you, on the other hand, then this is part of G‑d's divine plan for your life and very much a part of your growth process.)
Living with Your Bashert
G‑d knows you and your spouse intimately. Your spouse is, in fact, your "bashert" – the soul chosen to accompany your soul on life's journey. Your spouse - your spiritual partner, your other half – is there to help you develop YOUR potential. One's bashert is not necessarily a feel-good buddy. One's bashert can be someone who gives you quite the run for your money. He or she can irritate you to bits until you learn to be more tolerant, patient or understanding. He or she can hurt your feelings constantly until you learn to love yourself more. He or she can walk all over you until you learn to be assertive. He or she can ignore you until you learn to stand up and fight for what you want. Your spouse can draw you into dysfunction and despair until you learn to give others space to be themselves and do their own work. In other words – if you haven't quite got my drift – your spouse, even through his or her bad behavior, can help you perfect your character, correct imbalances and achieve what you never would have otherwise achieved. This, in fact, is one of the purposes of marriage – to help us grow.
When Does the Good Part Come?
As you develop into all that you can be, guess what happens? Your spouse improves! Your marriage improves. Your life improves. Romantic love is given as a gift from G‑d at the beginning of marriage to show us what we will be able to attain later on as a result of our own individual conscious efforts. Point your compass in the right direction and stay on track. Hard work in marriage is the norm. But the reward is commensurate with the effort.
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Latest Comments:
...article that doesn't offer any real advice. 'Divorce is terrible, something must be done'
But what? Is marriage an outdated tradition that has outlived its usefulness? I sometimes wonder. Would another type of bond between man and woman work better in these modern times, with our ever-increasing llife spans?
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The complaint about the lighthearted tone of the article is probably valid. Marital pain is nothing to be lighthearted about - indeed, it is excruciating and warrants tremendous compassion. There is really only one point I wanted to make - namely, that too many Jewish couples are divorcing. As a community, we need to find ways to strengthen marriage. Normalizing the struggle - and even the pain - is part of that process. The other part is to find viable solutions to marital suffering apart from divorce.
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Dear anonymous,
I would very much like to comment on your post, but I am afraid I have been up far too many hours today to say anyhing of much value, so I will sleep on it and post tomorrow or Sunday. In the meantime I would just say you have a friend in your corner. More importantly you must remain your own very best friend.
Razz
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bh
The general tone of the article in question is what's really bothering me, why the article hit a nerve. The article implies that a lot of divorces are happening because we are dissatisfied with our mates and are not willing to work on our marriages and work with our mates to make things better. The casual, "if you catch my drift" was irritating.
It's as though the author was speaking to children. That "Torah Fatal Flaw" reference was also inappropriately lighthearted. This article, it seems, was written without sensitivity to the tone and undertone that the choice of words conveyed. It was, in short, offensive.
If the author has ever counselled a woman contemplating divorcing her husband and listened to her pain, she'd hear just how bad it can get: that living in a dying marriage is not unlike living in Auschwitz, not that the two can ever be compared, but there definitely are some similarities.
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Dear Anyonymous,
My suggestion to speak to a rabbi when considering divorce was not directed to you - it was directed to readers of the article. I didn't have you in mind at all and I wasn't making any comment on your situation which I know absolutely nothing about.
By the way, for all readers out there, "abuse" is meant to include any Torah-based definition of improper marital conduct as defined by the rabbis. This might include infidelity and other marital crimes.
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bh
Sarah Chana, you are presupposing that I DID NOT consult a competent rabbi each time I knew I had to file for divorce. That is not an assumption you can make with authority.
I did consult a competent rabbi, in fact, more than once before, during, and after I had to file.
I never dreamed I would one day be divorced, never once wanted to be "one of those women," but, sadly, I am.
Chazal say that life seems unfair to us at times only because we can't see Hashem's plan for us, that all He does for us is for our own good. That's a tough pill to swallow sometimes. Divorce is like death: why do the good, sweet, kind people have to die horrible deaths? Only Hashem knows. When Mashiach comes, we'll all know. The answers to all our questions will be revealed to us, and we'll say, " Oh, yes, of course! Now I understand!" Until then, we have to learn Torah, do the mitzvos of the Torah with kavanah, and be b'simchah.
I'm trying, and on many days actually I succeed.
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Dear Reader: I have been divorced for 4-6 yrs. What I would like to know is did I have that right to a divorce to not only abuse, verbally physically and mentally, bur infidelity as well? I tried to work things out but my {now ex-husband} did not care about me or the children. I still think he doesn't care even after all of this time.
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The reason I wrote this article was that I felt that our current understanding of marriage is faulty. Dissatisfaction - even extreme dissatisfaction - with our spouse's bad behavior is justified. In most cases, divorce is not.
Abusive behavior is never acceptable according to Jewish standards. Regarding plain, old-fashioned bad behavior, however, we must realize that a woman can influence her husband and vice versa. You can't "make" your spouse behave, but you may be able to do a lot of things that will bring out his or her better side and leave it there.
Imagine if people just gave up on their rude, selfish, bossy and lazy children - we'd all divorce our kids before they turned ten years old! Instead of divorcing them, however, we push ourselves to learn every trick in the book that will help them improve their character flaws.
This approach is also required in marriage. We must actually try to help our spouses improve - not just leave them (cases of abuse, being an exception to this concept).
This trying can take years, but it is the work we're meant to do. It may require outside help, daily effort and continuous prayer - but this is what we're supposed to do. Only in extreme (and extremely rare) circumstances are we exempt from this work. However, don't take this from me. As I said originally, speak with your local rabbi about whether your spouse's flaws warrant the solution of divorce.
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Who makes the rules? Why does one person usually have to put up with a controling mate? Is this the Torah way. What about the vows. Do they say live happily ever after----over spending- acting angry always, not taking responsibility for your family. demanding more and more- as long as your kosher and observant- respect and consideration for one another is the only way to save a marriage. the person in the marraige thats at fault should be the one to make changes. Sure no ones perfect but some traits are destructive and must be changed to save the whole family. Only put up with if the person shows they are capable of changing (which is usually unlikely) Divorce is a problem---but that doesn't solve the problem of unecessary stress from people who are just irrational.
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Sounds dreadful. If there is no mutual respect, there is no true marriage.
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