"Be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace…." (Pirkei Avos)
The ideal marriage is one in which there is healthy communication between the two spouses; the mode of working through difficulties includes negotiation, compromise and an ability to recognize and accept "feelings" but rise above them and deal with "facts."
The reality of many marital relationships is that not all people are capable of healthy communication. Instead, they initiate conversations with sarcasm and attacks, which may be subtle or obvious. And any response seems to increase the tension, unresolved difficulties and disappointments. This slow, and often insidious, invisible disintegration sometimes is not felt for years. Then, suddenly, one spouse may wake up to the fact that the distance between them is growing and the "walls" are becoming thicker. They seem to be leading parallel lives, with no real connection.
If such couples can work together to learn communication skills and become more respectful of each other, it is certainly possible to regain some degree of harmony. But, what happens when there is only effort on the part of one spouse and the other is simply not interested? When the hurtful words and behaviors become too painful, the healthier spouse must learn to defuse the damaging tirades that gnaw away at the marriage.
When we feel attacked or criticized, our automatic response is to defend ourselves with one of our three primitive (initial-automatic)) responses: fight, flight or freeze. For example:
(FIGHT) "You're so up-tight and nervous!" Automatic response: "If you'd help more, I wouldn't have to be uptight. You're just like your mother-always finding fault and demanding perfection."
(FREEZE) "Why can't you take an extra job to provide for our family?" Automatic response: withdrawal into silence and shame.
(FLIGHT)"Why is this house always so messy?" Automatic response: run away crying.
What is really needed at the instant of the hurt, are some "ready" responses that help you "switch gears" and think about a response that would be kinder and more productive, both to you and your spouse. The well-known suggestion to "count to ten" is important as it serves as a bridge between the lower, instinctive response and the higher, rational one. If you can reduce the sense of danger, you can reduce the initial "punch" and keep the "war of words" from escalating. (By the way, as an added benefit, this approach can also work wonders with children, who can be so tenacious in their questions and/or demands.)
With chronically critical people, you must learn to stop the urge to defend, explain or counter attack. While the critical person wants to "engage" you with provocative, accusatory statements, you must avoid responding with old "right-wrong," "win-lose," "fair- not fair!" patterns. You must also learn to avoid the thinking that "I can change him/her." You cannot be responsible for someone else's thought, speech or deed, only for your own. The commitment to peace rather than power is a serious step towards your own mental health and the health of your family.
Instead of getting into a power struggle with a person who constantly blames, shames and labels, I suggest a "refreshing" approach called the Pareve Response. Often, this response deflates the unhealthy patterns of fight, flight or freeze. This is not meant to be sarcastic or put anyone down, but simply to provide an alternative to destructive verbal dueling. It allows you to buy time, until the hurt has passed and you have given up the need for the other person's understanding and approval. Following are some major "pareve responses" to various accusations or criticisms.
1) ACCUSATION: "You never have time for me."
PAREVE RESPONSE: "You may be right." (Do not voice the other part – "you may be wrong.")
2) DEMAND: "My mother insists that we come for Passover."
PAREVE RESPONSE: "I'm not comfortable with that idea right now." (This indicates that you've heard, but are not yet ready to respond.) Or, "I'll think about it." (This shows that you are not just dismissing the idea.)
3) ACCUSATION: "Where did you get that idiotic idea from?"
PAREVE RESPONSE: "I'm not sure. (It's alright not to be sure, or not to know.) At first, you may reject this response because you do not want to appear stupid. However, it makes the other person feel powerful, which is what critical people want. You also avoid giving explanations, which they are likely to attack. In addition, "To know that you don't know" is actually the highest form of knowledge (according to Maimonides)! Humility is a great personality trait to work on.
4) DEMAND: "You have to take a second job."
PAREVE RESPONSE: "That's an interesting idea/suggestion/opinion." (Note that here again we're acknowledging someone else without having to agree with him. You might also say, "Hmmmm" (and nod)……(Sometimes just letting the other person know you're there and not ignoring them helps to keep the options open rather than create impenetrable walls. It also stops you from withdrawing into hostile silence, which is another form of angry escalation.)
5) COMPARISONS (For example, someone compares you, your kids, your looks, your salary, etc. to someone else.)
PAREVE RESPONSE: "I don't 'do' comparisons. I don't find them helpful."
6) DEMAND: "I must talk to you immediately."
PAREVE RESPONSE: "I know you said you need to talk to me right now. But it's not a good time for me right now. How about in an hour?"
7) ACCUSATION: "You don't keep house or cook like my mother."
PAREVE RESPONSE: "I've noticed that too."
Quite often, just putting some distance between the action and the reaction will actually result in the topic being dismissed or tabled for a while, or even forgotten altogether. Remember, the above responses are meant to be temporary – to buy time, to cool you down, until you can re-visit the issue without blame, shame, guilt, judgement or criticism.
Notice that in many of the responses we focus on using what is called an "I" message – as opposed to a "you" message. In other words, instead of "You're crazy!" say "I'm not comfortable with that." Replace "You're so lazy" with, "I'm not sure I can finish this job without help."
It is truly a holy challenge to take responsibility and stay within our own "inner environment." It is much easier to go to the "outer environment" and blame or shame someone else, especially when we feel justified in doing so!
Despite the initial pain, once you learn to stay in tune with your own self-control when it comes to responding to others, you can actually have some fun with this invaluable tool. Following are some examples of questions and statements that could prove to be "provocative" – meaning that they might elicit a negative response. Now look through the 7-point list above, and see if you can find another choice for your response.
"Why did you make the appointment at that time?"
"Why didn't you make the appointment?"
"Where did you hide my keys?"
"If you really cared about me, you would……."
"You shouldn't be tired. Everyone else handles these things."
"Your priorities are all mixed up."
"How come you're never on time?"
"Why didn't you pick up the cleaning? What do you do all day?"
"Your priorities are all mixed up."
"Since when did you get so fussy/religious/etc.?"
"Why can't you keep house like your mother?"
"You've put on a lot of weight."
Like any new habit, learning takes time. At first, this might seem awkward and stiff. Many people say, "But it's not me! I could never do that." It certainly will take time to get used to new verbal patterns, and your spouse may become even more belligerent when he/she doesn't get the old, dramatic response. However, if you will "hold your course" and focus on peace not power, you will eventually experience the powerful blessings and benefits of your new-found self-control.