Staying alone in my head is like being behind enemy lines
Wow! It's hot! Although it's not the heat; it's the humility that gets to me.
What does G‑d think of me?
How should I know? I’m not G-d!
The real question is: What do I think about myself?
It really depends on the day, on my mood, on a character defect, or even whether I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (known as H.A.L.T.).
You see, when I am at the mercy of my negative thoughts, something strange happens. I become a genius—so much so that I have an unshakable knowing that my thoughts are “facts.” The facts are that I don’t measure up or that I am better than you or worse than you but never equal to you. This is what G‑d thinks of me as well. After all, isn’t it a fact?
I can become so sure that I “know” what G‑d thinks of me, that I can be called a supernatural mind reader! I believe that my thoughts must be G‑d’s thoughts. This can be serious—because if I know what G‑d thinks, then I am all knowing as well and that’s a tough load to carry. I tell my wife, that if she lived in my head she would be exhausted too... Being G‑d can really drain me. What I am really thinking is 'I am on my own' so I better control everything.
So what can I do to give G‑d back His job?
I need to get off my throne, and get some humility! I once heard that to have humility means to be open -- open to the possibility that I might be wrong about something that I think -- that I am so sure of. I think that even though I see myself in a certain light, that maybe -- just maybe, G‑d sees me in a different light. Thinking that I may be wrong is the most right thought I can have.
I need to remain open to the idea that G-d’s opinion of me is not what I am sure it must be. His thoughts are not my thoughts! So, when I ask myself questions like: Does G‑d find me valuable? Does G‑d love me for who I am? I can answer: Just because today I see myself in a certain negative way doesn’t mean that it’s G‑d’s truth.
I am obligated to strive to know that there is a G‑d and to know that I am an integral part of His divine cosmic plan. I am told that all I have to know is that there is a G‑d and that I am not Him. I also need to strive to prove certain ideas to be false. It is incumbent upon me to expose certain beliefs to be false, no matter how old or how certain they seem to appear.
Where can I get some humility to go? I can call a friend to get a humility check. Real humility is knowing who I am, knowing my strengths and weaknesses and appreciating how G-d is doing for me what I can't do for myself. G‑d is the source of my strength regardless of what I think of myself. G‑d knows better. So my friend needs to tell me that while I might be a good guy I am no G‑d.
And, really, I have no business telling G-d what to think. I can pray by asking G‑d to help me be open enough to see myself rightly. I say something like: Please G‑d help me see myself through Your eyes.
It’s my stinking thinking that is the problem to begin with. So getting out of my head is an essential strategic move towards humility. I must get out of my head. After all, if my thoughts at that moment are the enemy, then staying alone in my head is like being behind enemy lines.