The Choice is Ours

According to Rabbi Eliezer, a Talmudic sage, one of the most important traits that a person can develop is "a good eye" (Ethics of Our Fathers, 2:13), which means the ability to interpret our world positively. The way G‑d made our world, however, makes positive interpretation quite the challenge. There is evil and darkness all around us, problems at all levels from political to the personal. Neither nations nor individuals find it easy to live in harmony. Our imperfect worlds and relationships give us much to complain about and much negativity to focus on. It's always easier to see what is glaringly wrong than to see what is subtly right. And yet, the "right" is only subtle when we relegate it to a small corner of our universe. We do have the option, should we desire, to promote it to a front and central location where it can become the focus of our attention. Engaging in this act is what constitutes the development of our "good eye."

Choosing the Right Lens

In order to see what is right in our world, we must choose the right lens. First, we have to discard our default lens – the one that immediately zeros in on faults and failings. When it comes to marriage, wearing our default lens brings us acute pain. It is one thing to note that the world is an imperfect environment (in a general way) and another thing completely to zoom in on the imperfections of an intimate partner. After all, we see this partner daily. If all we can see is the wrong, we are sure to be miserable. It is depressing to look across the table and see a large lump of inconsideration, sloppiness, indifference, impatience, selfishness, irritability or whatever. It makes us sad, alone, frustrated and miserable to have to spend our time with such a "loser."

Of course, this same partner was once amazing in our eyes. That's why we agreed to marriage in the first place! She or he was clever, dazzling, funny, interesting, warm and wonderful. What on earth happened since the wedding day? Did we somehow suck the life from our partner, turning him or her into a shadow of a person? Or did that just happen by itself?

Funnily enough, others can still find that wonderful side of our spouse. People are often astonished to find that their unfaithful spouse managed to attract someone! How can such a terrible person be appealing? Of course, what is happening here is that the positive attributes are ever present. For someone else, they are in sharp focus. For a spouse, they may become too fuzzy to notice. Only the bad traits are visible.

Expectation Affects Performance

Research shows that teachers who expect their students to get good marks (because they were told that the students were very bright) end up with students who achieve highly. The teachers who "have a good eye" bring out the best in their students. It works the same way in marriage. Having a good eye brings out – and maintains – the best in one's spouse. In order to cultivate a good eye, imagine that you are trying to "sell" your spouse to someone else (i.e. imagine that you never married him, and now you have to find him/her a spouse – I know it's a little crazy, but try it!). Imagine that your future happiness depends completely on this sale. How would advertise your spouse? Think hard! Try to recall those good points.

Do the exercise daily. Eventually your good eye will become stronger. And when it does, you'll be happier, as will your spouse, and your marriage will thrive. Rabbi Eliezer's words of wisdom ring down through the ages.

It's up to us.

I'll never forget the moment. It was almost thirty years ago. I was preparing dinner with my six-year-old, who was cutting the vegetables, when he looked up at me and said, "Mom, do you know who the strongest boy in my class is?"

"No," I responded. "Who is the strongest boy in your class?"

"Chezi," he stated self-assuredly.

"Why is Chezi the strongest?" I asked.

"Because he never cries," he answered solemnly as he cut the cucumbers.

My heart skipped a beat as I grasped that this child had already internalized a harsh reality, i.e. "To feel is to fail." To be a "man" means to be tough, in full control of one's emotions and immunized against fear, pain and sadness. It's the weaklings who talk about their feelings; successful people function to their maximum!

I had always encouraged my boys to talk about their feelings and said that it is often a sign of strength to cry. But my son saw clearly that boys who cry get crushed and ridiculed, and that the cold, indifferent, stoic types receive respect and praise. He's still a sensitive child, but specifically because he is so sensitive, he goes to great lengths to hide it, especially in the presence of the macho types.

From the time babies are born, girls tend to react differently to fear than boys. When female infants are startled by a loud noise, they seek eye contact with others. Looking into the eyes of a loving person lowers their cortisol levels, a stress hormone which spikes automatically whenever we experience anxiety. In contrast, when male infants are startled, their eyes tend to dart around and they withdraw into themselves! Avoiding connection when scared calms them down. So what makes girls feel better actually makes boys feel worse.

Numerous studies have shown that when women talk about their problems and fears, their cortisol level drops. When men talk about their insecurities, their cortisol rises! Being aware of this difference can make or break a marriage.

Thinkers and Feelings

In a book I wrote many years ago, Appreciating People, I described people as falling into one of two very general categories: Thinkers and Feelers. Thinking types (60% male, 40% female) focus on data and factual information. They do not share personal information with ease, if at all, and are bored and irritated by the expression of emotions. Feeling types (60% female, 40% male), like to share feelings and are very concerned about how they and others feel. Obviously, Thinkers feel and Feelers think, but their brains process feelings and thoughts differently. Thinking types (both men and women) tend to be less articulate about their feelings and less aware of the nuances of feelings. Anger is the one "permissible" feeling, as it makes them feel powerful. Even love can feel like a weakening emotion, as it implies needing others.

A brilliant woman once confided in me, "I see myself as a Thinking type. I am not very empathetic. I see that people are in pain, but I don't feel the pain or understand what they are making such a big deal about. I'm good at solving problems and telling people how to think, but if people want empathy, I send them to my husband, who is a Feeling type."

Save Your Marriage: Keep Communications Safe

If you are a Feeler married to a Thinker, communication needs to be a positive experience. If you complain each time you talk, your spouse will get the idea that "talking" is something to avoid. Feelings are contagious. When a person feels an intense emotion, everyone else is affected, like a tuning fork hitting a glass and causing all the others glasses to resonate. To avoid resonating with anxious emotions, he may get angry, defensive or simply retreat. The following may be helpful:

• Make it safe. If you have a complaint, present it in a non-confrontational manner. Preface your remark with, "I have a problem. Do you think you can you help me?"
• Avoid accusations. Most men hate to feel weak, helpless, scared or sad, as these emotions are seen as weak and "female." Any criticism is seen as a failure message such as, "You're not sensitive to me," or, "You don't help enough," or, "You're not investing enough in this relationship." Such accusations cause a cortisol spike, which is so uncomfortable that he will want to run away; suddenly he might remember that he has to meet a friend or, G‑d forbid, he may seek an addictive behavior to drown out the pain.
• Give him physical space. If you have a complaint, do not present it while sitting across the table looking into each other's eyes. Save the eye-time for positive statements! Mention the problem briefly, in as few words as possible, perhaps while taking a walk or driving.
• Focus on the solution. Let's say you want him to invest more time learning with the children or to not give them so many sweets. Start a statement with, "Help me understand why it would be hard for you to…."
• Before expressing a strong emotion, tell him how you want him to respond. Say, "I need to vent for a minute. All I want is for you to tell me that it's going to be okay and that you'll see me through this." Then you can say how overwhelmed you feel or how difficult it is to be around a certain relative. Keep it brief to avoid a cortisol spike. Then conclude, "Thank you for listening. That was really helpful."
• Take responsibility for your happiness. Do not tell him how depressed and lonely you are if your intention is to make him feel guilty. Men are terrified of failure and terrified of being dominated. Forcing change when he has no desire to change will only make him more resistant, rebellious and resentful.
• Talk "victory talk." Turn whatever precious talking time you have into a safe, positive experience. Make him proud of you, instead of appearing to be a grouch and a nag. Talk about your victories – how you avoided junk food, didn't buy everything you wanted, or had the courage to put the phone down on an irritating relative. Instead of telling him about how the kids drive you crazy or the terrible things they did, make a list of their victories and tell your husband their victories. Tell him, "We have great kids!" Then, perhaps, he will want to be home more often and provide more help.

Emotions are “catchy.” When someone is calm and happy, they lighten the mood of everyone around them. Similarly, when someone is agitated, they put everyone around them on edge. It is then understandable that someone may react in kind to another person’s anger. If a wife, for instance, starts shouting at her husband, he is likely to “catch” her upset and express anger to her. His anger-style may differ from hers; he may sulk instead of shout. Nonetheless, it is her mood that he is all too likely reflecting.

And yet, people can overcome the natural tendency to catch another's mood if they want to. One important incentive for "wanting to" is to be able to succeed in creating a peaceful home. "Peace is priceless for G‑d's name is Shalom" (Bamidbar Rabbah 11:18). The attainment of shalom bayit, a peaceful home, is not a matter of "luck." Rather, it is a matter of constant focus. It is a matter of vigilance against anything that would interfere with it. Even when one's own spouse is interfering, one who sincerely wants peace will devise ways to preserve it.

Therefore, when a spouse expresses anger, a peace-seeker can learn not to catch the emotion. An excellent strategy is to respond to someone's rage with sincere interest and curiosity (provided, of course, that the rage has not taken a violent turn and physical safety is not an issue!). One could say, for instance, "You're so upset! What is it about this issue that makes you feel so much aggravation [or pain]?"

Keep in mind that spouses get angry about odd things – a small mess in a corner of the room, an item forgotten on a shopping list, a missed phone call. The angrier the person is, the more likely it is that there is more to the issue than meets the eye. In fact, the angrier the person is, the more likely it is that the issue ties into old pains and traumas from childhood, currently being triggered by minor neglects (or, sometimes, by serious spousal misbehaviors). Trying to learn about the underlying frustration or pain can bring husband and wife closer together. On the other hand, responding to the surface issue defensively – "I was only ten minutes late! Stop hassling me!" – only aggravates the situation further and continues to mask important underlying communications and feelings.

Sometimes the deeper conversations about anger and upset have to wait until emotions are calmer. Still, taking one's spouse seriously enough to investigate the causes of his or her anger – whether immediately or within a few days – is a good way to come to a deeper mutual understanding and an excellent way to prevent further argument and dispute. Don't fight back. Instead, find a way to try to understand. If this approach isn't sufficient to end a cycle of marital fighting, enlist professional help – it really can help!

Q. I can probably be called a "professional nag." I badger my husband for everything, from the tie he chooses to wear, to the way he talks to me, to the odd hours he keeps. Of course, my criticism doesn't help anyone, but I cannot help doing it and it makes me feel terrible. How can I learn to bite my tongue?

A. The Bal Shem Tov taught that when a person is faced with a situation that compels him to judge others, he should be aware that this person is a mirror image of himself and his opinion of the other person is, in fact, a judgment on himself. The following story illustrates the Bal Shem Tov's idea.

Nathan the Prophet came to King David, and told him a story about a wealthy man who owned many sheep and cattle. One day, the rich cattle dealer stole the beloved lamb of a poor man who had raised it from birth. When King David heard these words he cried out, "The man who has done this deserves to die…"

At that point, the prophet told King David that the story was merely a parable describing one of the king's actions. By accusing the rich man, the king was actually pointing a finger at himself.

With this in mind, a totally new perspective opens to us. When confronted with a behavior or character trait that impacts us, we can understand that there's a message. Rather than leaping to pass judgment on that person – either positively or negatively – a moment of introspection can lead to remarkable results.

Our spouses (or in-laws, neighbors, kids… those who know how to push our buttons) are our mirrors, and also our greatest teachers. Like the cattle dealer to King David, they reveal something about us.

When a person charges others as defective, he's often got the same defect. As someone once said: when pointing a finger at someone, you're actually pointing two fingers at yourself. On the surface, this idea may seem ludicrous at best. But human beings are biased. It's painful for us to see our own shortcomings, so we bury them deep inside our consciousness, determined to forget them. That is why our normal human flaws are more easily visible in those who mirror us than in ourselves. When we shift focus from the other person to ourselves, we discover similar traits inside us.

Mirror images reflect both positive and negative aspects. When an acquaintance meets you with a wide smile, you can't help but smile back; a nice compliment elicits a kind word in return. And let someone express their admiration for you and you'll find that you've actually admired that person all along.

When you're witness to another person's tears, does it touch a chord in you? Does it evoke your own tears and pain? Scientific research indicates that there are mirror neurons that get activated when we hear of another person's pain, so we actually feel the pain to a certain degree.

Similarly, when you're hurt by your husband's manner of speaking, does it perhaps reflect the way you talk to him? Does his crazy schedule drive you nuts because sticking to a routine schedule is hard for you? Or perhaps the opposite is true – do you feel frustrated by the rigidity of your schedule and therefore harbor jealousy for his freedom?

It can be challenging to decipher the reflection we see in our "mirrors," but when we realize that they offer us a whole world of information, the process of acceptance and change can begin. Then, as we learn to adjust ourselves accordingly, our mirrors will change. Suddenly, those things that bothered us in the other person will no longer take on the same importance. And as we learn to accept and appreciate ourselves, we learn to value and cherish our loved ones as well.

"I don't think you should scream at the kids," Miriam says to her husband, only minutes after he yelled at all three youngsters for not listening to him. She's not wrong, of course. Screaming at the kids is not a preferred method of education and guidance. It brings many risks, including the possibility of harming the kids and destroying the parent-child bond.

However, Miriam's husband, Aaron, isn't feeling appreciative of the parenting tip. "Don't tell me how to raise my children!" he shouts at her. Clearly, she hasn't yet cured him of his tendency to raise his voice. He's now yelling at her, as well as the children. An ugly argument ensues, traumatizing the children who feel guilty for "starting" it, and also harming both husband and wife. Everyone is upset. What went wrong here?

A Time and Place for Everything

Although Miriam's words were wise, they were delivered at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Therefore, the results were disastrous. Since Miriam and Aaron have been married long enough to have three kids, Miriam ought to know by now that Aaron is sensitive to criticism. She should also know that he hates when she criticizes him in front of his children. He feels demeaned. Although no one likes to be corrected publicly, many men are particularly sensitive to feeling a loss of status induced by rebuke. A father wants his children to respect him. When a wife corrects her husband's parenting technique in front of their kids, the husband may feel that he is losing the children's respect. Sometimes he'll flair up in anger, trying to huff and puff his way back to authority. Unfortunately, although this may win him the power of intimidation, it does nothing to increase anyone's respect for him.

Although one could say that the husband needs to toughen up and not be so reactive, there is another strategy more likely to succeed. Those who want to wait for their spouse to change often wait indefinitely. Instead, they can learn to work with their spouse's personality. They can learn to recognize sensitivities and, whenever possible, respect them. We certainly appreciate when our spouse recognizes our own sensitivities and is respectful of them. This is something that husband and wife can always do for each other.

In Miriam's case, she could have waited for a better time in which to help her husband with his parenting skills. Hours later, when he's calmer, would be more ideal than confronting him while his adrenalin is still running. She could have selected a better place in which to have the discussion – somewhere private, out of earshot from their children. Even when she chooses the right time and place, Miriam needs to learn the art of offering rebuke. The "sandwich" technique of "praise, correct, praise" works well in fulfilling the Torah mandate of not hurting someone while in the process of correcting him. Alternatively, beginning a rebuke session with an acknowledgment of the good intentions of the person and/or the difficulty of the situation, lowers defenses and helps them to be more receptive. For instance, Miriam could have said, "I know how frustrated you must have felt when the kids refused to cooperate with you. It's great that you're trying to train them to listen more – they really need that. I'm concerned, however, that when you yell at them to get your point across, they may focus only on your loud voice and fail to get the message you're trying to convey. I don't want them to start disliking you because you're a great father and they need you. Do you think you could address them in a quieter tone? Then you wouldn't have to get so upset and you could still educate them – maybe even more effectively."

Sure, this kind of communication requires restraint, thoughtfulness and planning. It's far easier to blurt out our thoughts and feelings as they occur. Yet we have a responsibility to not aggravate people with our communication. A little bit of thought can transform a harsh message into words of loving concern. As it states in Proverbs, "A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but harsh words break the spirit." We are supposed to think before we speak in order to use the power of our mouths for good. Pursuing a peaceful home is one of the highest goals to which we can aim.

The road to a better marriage begins by evaluating the quality of the relationship and by asking yourself the following questions:

• What are the most important principles of your marriage?
• What were the dreams and aspirations that started your relationship?
• Did you marry for comfort, pleasure, money or honor?
• Are you willing to make your relationship the most important part of your marriage?

Visualizing your values and seeing whether or not they are central to your marriage can help you understand the road you are traveling on. Unfortunately, our society has sold us a distorted image of marriage, which maintains that external factors such as money or comfort are the factors that make marriage work. Just think about how popular culture depicts the perfect couple who have all the conveniences one could ever imagine. They have all the money, pleasure, and fun they could ever want – but are they happy? That's the million dollar question.

I believe that there is no real way of telling how happy a marriage is, except for one factor: ask them how their relationship is doing. Afterwards, you'll know if their happiness is real or illusive.

Although many people may choose core values such as wealth, pleasure and honor for their marriage, in the long run, experience has shown that these external values are temporal. Happiness in life has very little to do with externals, and those who focus on the external values often find their relationships unsettled, lacking direction, and without the strength to last a lifetime. In fact, over the years, I have witnessed many families who have little financial means, yet have the power of a healthy relationship. Against the conventional wisdom that money buys happiness, these families prove that success is dependent on other variables such as spiritual values, healthy attitudes, and high levels of emotional intelligence. Above all, they are dedicated to maintaining and nurturing the most important commodity in their lives, their relationship.

As a young rabbinical student, I spent one of the most rewarding Shabbat experiences of my life volunteering in an old age home in Sanhedria, a small community in Jerusalem. My predicament was that I wanted to spend Shabbat visiting the old age home, but didn't have a place to stay. Thinking out of the box, and knowing I was in an a community famous for their willingness to provide for others, I decided to take a chance by asking some locals if they would be kind enough to take me in as their guest for Shabbat. After waiting for about five minutes in front of a store, an elderly man walked by. In my broken Hebrew, I tried to explain to him where I volunteered and what I needed. Without blinking, the man said that he would be delighted to have me as his guest.

The elderly man met me just before sunset at the local synagogue and brought me home to meet his wife and family. When I first entered into his home, I felt that I was walking into one of Roman Vishniak's scenes from pre-war Poland. Despite my initial discomfort, my fears were quickly relieved when I was warmly welcomed and asked to bring my suitcase into the room I would be sleeping in. After arranging my clothes, I was served a pre-Shabbat treat: a hot cup of coffee and some chocolate pastries. Just as I finished my last bite, Shabbat began, and I ran off to evening prayers at the old age home.

After praying, I returned to my host's apartment to sleep in a very comfortable bedroom. The next morning I awoke and realized that despite the fact that they had seven children, there were only two bedrooms, and I was sleeping in one of them! It turned out that they had set up their children's beds in the living room and the parents had slept in the one remaining bedroom! Embarrassed and overwhelmed by their generosity, I walked out of the living room to wish a good Shabbat and, once again, my hosts insisted I sit down for another cup of coffee.

That Shabbat, we spent hours eating, drinking tea and learning about each other. What amazed me the most about this couple was their tremendous sense of happiness and camaraderie. Love seemed to permeate their home and their relationships with the people who happened to enter their lives.

That Shabbat, I was given a present far greater than a bed to sleep on: a glimpse at the secret of what makes and sustains good marriages. That secret is a commitment to building meaningful relationships, and an overriding desire to do kindness for one another.

Investing in your relationship takes time and effort, and is a challenge for all couples. In my own life, for example, I believe my relationship is so important that my wife and I try to schedule time alone together at least once a week to focus on our relationship. Despite the pressures of our busy lives, we try creatively to make sure we are investing in our marriage. Sometimes we go out to a restaurant to eat or just take a walk down the block together. Other times, we go grocery shopping together or head to the local convenience store in order to enjoy a few minutes alone just schmoozing about our day. When life goes into overdrive and time is limited, we take a "time out" for ourselves, and spend a few minutes in a quiet and secluded room in the home just talking to one another.

It really doesn't matter what you do or what you talk about during your private times together. What matters most is to give your spouse the feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world.

Of course, the way to build emotional equity in marriage is to make as many deposits as possible. In general, positive statements like complimenting one another, sharing appreciations and speaking kind words are "deposits." Every time you tell your spouse that you appreciate them, and their actions, you are building more emotional wealth. You can even think of a compliment as a dollar. Imagine how rich you could become if you increase the amount of times per hour you compliment your spouse!

And it's not just complimenting that works; actions speak louder than words. Helping each other with daily tasks such as shopping for food or cleaning the house are ways that couples increase their emotional equity with one another. The point is that it doesn't take a large budget, or a lot of time, to build a relationship. Even the simplest gestures can make a difference in your lives.

The opposite is also true. Couples will deplete their emotional savings by criticizing and exercising external control. Trying to force one another via manipulation or by insulting each other decreases emotional wealth, and can even put some relationships into bankruptcy.

At the end of each month, I suggest that couples take a look and see how their emotional savings account is developing. They should check how many deposits they've made and how much was withdrawn. The goal is to become aware of the overall growth of the relationship and to see if it is getting stronger, or needs more nurturing.