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Why We Yell
Sunday, August 3, 2008
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There's lots of "legitimate reasons" for why we yell at our kids. But are the consequences too high a price to pay for gaining of a little cooperation? 15 Comments Posted
I am in complete agreement with the author. I have experienced just about all of the results she describes as a result of being screamed at, ridiculed and told to shut up during the most important times in my life. As a result, I have no desire to see my mother or have any more to do with her, even after caring for her for years in hope that her view of me might change. She is old and sick now, and I have moved on, with my own life. I do my best not to yell at my youngster- I remove him from or prevent a scenario from occuring before it happens by giving him boundaries. I also take lots of breaks with him. It's not the end of the world if he wants me when I'm in the middle of a project. He won't be little forever, and the projects can wait for now, while he wants and needs a kiss or a hug.
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I am a confessed yeller, so was my mother, and I've decided I don't want to be one anymore. I haven't found many alternatives that work. A follow-up article on this subject would be great.
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Thank you very much for this powerful article! My Grandmother was a yeller, and my Mother, and I often catch myself doing the same. I have often tried to rationalize it with the above excuses as well. While I read this article though, I was immediately convicted that it is up to me to keep this from passing down to my children as well. It brought tears to my eyes, and the second I am finished writing this reply, I am going to go apologize to my daughter for the times I have lost my cool. Thank you!
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What a fantastic column - thank you so much. I think of myself as pretty mild-mannered until finally I just get fed up - usually when I've said the same thing 40 times. I agree with the reader who requested a follow-up column - I'd love to read more on this subject, also. Thank you for this great teaching!
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Thanks for all the great info! Wish everyone would konw about that. A follow up article on tips on how to avoid or stop the yelling would definetly help.
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so true, that let me think deep, what positiive alternative ways can i get my children attention, they are 4 and 2 years
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Thank you for addressing the "yelling" problem. I identify with everything you say, ... But could you devote another e-mail with suggestions on how not to yell? And how to speak properly. I always seem to read about what not to do, but much less about how to do things right.
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very good information, it would e very nice to have a follow up to the alternative ways of getting children to listen without yelling.
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Guess we can always switch to explaining nicley to our kids giving them all the reasons they should be self parenting for us... then making them feel guilty for not meeting our high expectations...
feel some constructive actions instead of - are you sure you want to yell... its bad... i just explained it to you... will go a long way to healthier realtionships...
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Ok its like saying doing bad things brings bad results so? Nothing new. We all know what is the right thing to do. The problem is how to control ourselves, nothing to do with kids per se, it is applicable to everything in life.
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Psalm 6:1
O Lord, do not punish me in anger, do not chastise me in fury.
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Next time you want to yell at your child, sing to him instead and sing the words you were going to yell and if those words were mean then just sing without words and then start adding words.
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I also agree with this line of reasoning.
For PK: Yes, explaining takes time and effort, but you end up with a very reasonable child. And sometimes the answer is "Because I said so." or "Because I am the parent." You can say this without yelling.
For young children touching them to get their attention helps. (Just a tap.)
Also they understand about radios, and tuning them in. So at a calm time explain that when they are not listening you are going to pretend they are like radios. You are going to touch them and say, "Tune into Mommy." That means they must find your signal. Make sure they look at you in response, and you know you have their attention.
For Elyakeem,
Nice idea, and I do get your point. But for several members of my family singing is the final threat!!! Our singing is that bad.
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Rabbi Shmuel Lew was said that the Rebbe sent him a letter about dealing with his children. The Rebbe wrote that we are all children of G-d. By yelling at our children, we are yelling at the children of G-d...
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I'm with those who would like some follow-up articles on how to act postively to get your child to listen or cop-operate or whatever it is. This article is very informative and well written but I found myself feeling terribly guilty about the times I have raised my voice but coming away with nothing really concrete on how not to.
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