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By Michoel Gourarie
| But we don't need to take an "all or nothing" approach. If restoring the relationship is impossible it is not always necessary to terminate all contact or become antagonistic...
11 Comments Posted
Rabbi
I am having a real problem with this one!
My mother and father in-law were not good people: my father in law--would only take jobs just to squeak by and not really take care of his family. Left his first wife - never divorced her and never supported their son. met my mother in-law. Never married her until the immigration was about to send him back to Russia. There were
certain health problems that needed to be handled until the authorities came and told them how to handle them.
I am having a hard time dealing with this and I just want you to know that I love my husband very much and also to let you know that they are gone many years already.
sincerely,
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I saw your comment and hope that you both find some sort of resigned acceptance of your parents(inlaw). Your husband is lucky to have you to love him.
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Is it wrong to expect for them to take any step to apologize or show any sign of remorse
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This is an excellent article. I know that I should find a way to arrive at the third level of forgiveness, but I am having a difficult time with this. For many years my husband neglected our relationship with long work hours, which created a great distance and discord between us. I spent many years requesting changes, which were promised but never materialized. Recently we experienced some external difficulties, which increased our tensions. During this time, my husband chose to try to become close to another women, while claiming that he was trying to make things better between us. Once I discovered his adulterous attempts (which I do not believe resulted in anything physical, although I'm not certain), I was really devastated and angry. We tried counseling but he refused to continue. I've been trying to bring myself to forgive him for being weak, and acting out, but I can't get past it. I also don't want to be hurt further, and I feel that if I am unable to forgive whole heartedly, then our marriage will (and perhaps should) end. What would you suggest.
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I am troubled by the concensus that we forgive anyone ... no matter what.
What if a person tortured and raped and killed your 13 year old daughter?
I wouldn't and frankly don't see any reason that I should! I don't think I would suffer even more than I already am because "its good for my own survival to forgive no matter what" idea that so many people ... esp religious people have.
I do not hesitate to forgive MANY people who wrong me but I think there is a limit to what they can do before it becomes absurd. Please tell me what you think.
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This is a sore point for me. My sister-in-law has held a grudge against me for 10 years now. She finally forgave me after 10 years after I initiated an apology letter to her on Yom Kippur. I (which took her a year and a half to respond to) I appreciate your making me aware of the level of debauchery one can fall prey to, namely her inablity to forgive. As stated in the article, "absence of any forgiveness whatsoever is a sign of cruelty." I can not begin to tell you how callous and uncaring a person can be and how this toxic relationship has wreaked havoc on my 26 year marriage! Once again, after a 10 year hiatus, she finally forgave me and invited me to her wedding whereby I sustained a personal injury, and once again she is on the bandwagon of spewing her venom, and calling here harrasing me, and telling my husband not to invite me to visit. Perhaps, in this lesson, I have learned that this relationship, is a toxic one and irreperable! I am a better person because of it!
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my son in law sexually molested my granddaughter. she is extremely disturbed and has even tried to kill herself. her mother (my daughter) chose to stand by her husband instead of her daughter (which she has always done with regards to her children). I cannot forgive them. My granddaughter continues to suffer and struggle as do my daughter's other two children, one of whom I raised. I have chosen to stand with the children. I cannot forgive the adults and the horrors they have perpetrated on their children. (p.s. charges have been filed and they will both be going to court for a trial.)
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the word of g-d says he cannot forgive us till we forgive, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of g-d. we don't have to feel like forgiveness is a command to forgive and for good reason, the sooner we say we forgive, the sooner g-d takes hold of the situation and brings in a heart felt attitude of forgiving in our lives that starts healing our hurts and wounds and relationships.
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How can we possibly forgive him and his people?
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I pray to forgive my abusers , but I wake up at night with pain from people I gave my heart to.I get angry start to have mixed feelings of forgiveness and revenge.Sometimes I get mad at G_d then realize there is a reason! I ask G_d when will these dreams stop how long can I hold on to these dreams of revenge and hurt? I pray to G_d please let me see the light at the other side of the tunnel! I don't want the bitterness of my abusers to turn me into them! It is so hard to forgive when a soul has been targeted, but I now I need to keep looking to the light as I continue to strive to focus and reject the negative so that I can live a fuller life in the light or happeniess! I truly wish desire the day that I can totally except G_d's Love and allow G_d to consume my body and soul to where he can work through me! Maybe then will I be able to help others to grow in G_ds Love!
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By "letting go of the pain." giving it to God with the memories.
As long as there is sin there will be pain. As long as there is pain.... there will again be sin.
The hurter sees there is no problem, but it is the hurting is left with the problem. It is solved by the ones who pursue happiness. God is the answer to their problem. I can not change the past, only the future.
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